Tuesday, August 3, 2010

What kind of ass are you?

Recently I've taken some ribbing on Twitter about my bad-assedness. Or apparent lack thereof.

Well, maybe not total lack. More like my bad-assedness is "cute" or "sweet" or "adorable." Which kind of takes the teeth out of it, yannoh? Makes it anemic. Hell, it pretty much neuters it.

But, if I'm totally honest, my Twitter-kidders (you know who you are!) are probably right.

Yes, I admit it. *clears throat* I am a Bad-ass Wannabe.

The inner me may be clad in black leather, with every square inch of epidermis body-pierced and tattooed, but the outer me is rocking the mom jeans and tastefully artistic earrings. I tried a temporary tattoo once, but the kids told me Bambi looked silly on me, so I washed it off.

I know. Sad.

So, since I suck at being a Bad-ass, I've decided to audition some other kinds of asses. These are ones that made the callbacks:

Kick-ass -- akin to bad-ass, only more superhero and less Hell's Angel.

Lazy-ass -- this one is tempting, if only because it allows for lounging in my PJs until late in the day.

Sorry-ass -- possibly reserved for days when I just can't get the words down in the WIP, or can't think of a decent blog topic. It could be an understudy, waiting in the wings to go on when the main-ass is out of commission.

Dumb-ass -- we've all been there, right? Please tell me I'm not the only one who does dumb-ass stuff, like drive all the way to the grocery only to realize I've left my wallet at home.

Raggedy-ass -- perfectly suitable for the days I haven't done laundry (and so have to resort to wearing the stuff from the back of the closet), or showered, or washed my hair...you get the picture.

Smart-ass -- okay, I think I have this one nailed, though I could be wrong. But I'm willing to give it plenty of rehearsal.

So, if you had to pick an ass (tee-hee), which would it be? One of these, or perhaps one I've forgotten to mention? Please tell me in the comments. Come on, don't be shy!



Funniest phrase I've read all week: Rocking the mom jeans.

I actually worked for a company once that encouraged departments to set a theme for Halloween dress-up. My department went with the ass theme. If I remember right, I was "pain in the ass" complete with band-aids, a black eye, and donkey ears. We also had kiss my ass, smart ass, dumb ass, and several others I've forgotten. When the kids came trick-or-treating, we had to pretend to be regular old donkeys.

Love the post!

Kelly Breakey said...

Well if I get a vote I am going for the smart-ass, you really do have that one down pat! I told you we are not worthy...I am doing my Wayne's World impression as I write this even now.

When I grow up I want to be just like you. Please...please, don't ever change.


Jessica Lemmon said...

Okay, I just RT'd that for the big, big LOLz.

Wow, can I commisserate! I've always wanted to be a bad ass, but alas, I think I'm more of a wise ass than anything. Wise Asses really DO believe we know something about everything... we don't think we know EVERYTHING though, that's reserved for the Pain in the Ass, or what I like to call the PITA.

I don't think my acronym has gone viral yet, but I call people PITAs all the time. *grin*

Linda G. said...

Karla -- Lame Ass -- I love that one. I will add it to the list of candidates.

Tawna -- LOL! Somehow "bad-donkey" doesn't carry quite the same connotation as "bad-ass," but I appreciate your company's sensitivity to the children.

Kelly -- Thank you! Just between you and me, smart-ass is my favorite. If I can't be bad, I may as well be smart. And I doubt I could change if I tried, so don't worry about that. :)

Jessica -- I've seen "PITA" before, so I'm afraid it's already out there in cyberspace. Probably because there are so darn many of them. I will definitely be adding wise ass to the roster -- thanks!

And thank you all for hauling your asses over here today and commenting. ;)

Unknown said...

I've definitely done the lazy ass, and the dumb ass from time to time. My husband would say I'm a smart ass. However, I may qualify for bad ass. When I turned forty, I got myself a tattoo...a real one, and it's awesome. So, what do you think? Am I a bad-ass librarian romance writer, or what?

abby mumford said...

i'm blonde, so my dumb-ass side has a reason to show up from time to time. umm, yeah.

i'd love to always be the smart-ass, but i still have a lot to learn from you!

and, right now, i have to haul ass back to my day job.

Steph Schmidt said...

Lazy-ass all the way today. I have no intention of getting out of my pjs because otherwise that sorry excuse for a WIP won't speak to me. It's awful.

Linda G. said...

Jeannie -- Definitely a bad-ass librarian romance writer! Which automatically qualifies you as kick-ass, too. :)

Abby -- I think we need to coin a new -ass term for blondes. How about "fun-ass"? Because blondes are FUN! :)

SM -- It likes you in those comfy pjs, and who can blame it? If you got dressed, you might be tempted to up and leave it for the great outdoors. Who can speak under stress like that? ;)

Candyland said...

I'd like to think I'm badass, until my child reminds me I'm far from it. BTW, you won something on my blog today. Email me with your choices:)

Linda G. said...

Candyland -- I don't think anyone is ever a bad-ass in their kid's eyes. But you're totally bad-ass in mine!

And I saw on your blog that I won something--yay! I emailed you this morning at your yahoo addy. Did you get it? It didn't bounce back to me, so assumed it went through. Anyway, thanks again for holding such a great contest. :)

Candyland said...

Oh no! It did eat your comment and I don't have another one with your email address, nor can I find it anywhere!

Linda G. said...

Candyland -- I just left another comment. Did it eat that one, too? (Wow. My comments must be really tasty today.) Anyway, in case you didn't get my email, either: linda(dot)grimes(at)gmail(dot)com

If you email me, I can reply back with the info--maybe that will work better. :)

Kari Lynn Dell said...

For the next hour, I shall be known as 'dragging ass'. As opposed to promptly at five pm, when I metamorphasize into 'hauling ass'.

Linda G. said...

Elizabeth -- I can live with that.

Kari -- LOL! I'm dragging ass tonight, too, that's for sure.

Unknown said...

People think I'm badass, but actual badasses say stuff like, "get your fancy ass over here."
I've also been acused of being "whack-ass" which is similar to "batshit" i think...

Sierra Godfrey said...

You're not going to smile at us and look sweet and NICE and seriously expect to be a bad ass are you? Try drawing some thick angry eyebrows on your picture and we might believe it.

As for asses (hee hee!) I am an ARSE of the highest order.

Linda G. said...

Sierra -- Nice to have an arse in the group. Makes us sound multicultural. ;)

Dianne K. Salerni said...

I was reading down your list and feeling forlorn, wondering if I had any ass at all.

(But of course, I do, otherwise I could wear skinny jeans instead of mom jeans.)

Then, I finally came to smart-ass, and breathed a sigh of relief. There I am!

I enter every faculty meeting at school reminding myself of the same thing: Keep your head down and your mouth shut. TRY not to say anything sarcastic today ...

Sadly, I rarely follow my own advice.

GĂ©nette Wood said...

I know I'm about three and a half months late to the party, but that's what you get for linking today's post to this one.

The kick-ass definition made me giggle because my dad is tight with a couple of Hell's Angels--but Dad himself is more of a raggedy-smart-ass (it's okay to mix and match).

On the other hand, I'm a lazy-smart-ass. I enjoy my job.