Friday, July 29, 2011

WTF Friday

Aaaah. Amore. The sweet, sweet bliss of rolling over in bed, gazing at your beloved, and hearing the words that mean so much come tumbling from his lips...

"Who the f*ck are you?"

Um, yeah. Not exactly what I expected, either. But I guess it's nice there are still some surprises left after all these years together. And, before we were married, he did promise me life would never be dull.

As the astute among you may have surmised, TG sometimes talks in his sleep. Mostly incoherent stuff that sounds sort of like a turkey drowning*, but now and then the words are all too clear. Much to his chagrin.

The little gem quoted above had him apologizing and explaining for days. Yeah, I believed his claim that he'd been dreaming about an intruder (a really bad, nasty intruder, one he was valiantly trying to protect me from), and it was that miscreant he was addressing, not me. But it was kind of fun to prolong his agony by pretending to take great offense.

(Sadistic? Moi? Um ... well ... okay, maybe a bit.)

Of course, now it's just plain funny to both of us. All either of us has to do to convulse the other with laughter is stop, in the middle of whatever we're doing, and say, "Who the f*ck are you?"

(In fact, that's how I plan on inscribing his special copy In A Fix next summer.)

So, have you had any interesting surprises yourself lately? Or maybe a WTF** moment you'd care to share?

P.S. I noticed I've picked up a few new subscribers to the blog. Thank you, and welcome! Also, I'd like to apologize for the use of poorly masked profanity in this post. I'd like to, but I won't, since, frankly, I've done it before and am quite likely to do it again. I can't help it if I have a potty mouth. Click here for explanation. 

*Seriously. Imagine holding a turkey under water and listening to it gobble. Luckily, this doesn't happen often. Only when he's having a nightmare. Which is why I try to limit the number of scary movies we watch. 

**WTF = What the f*ck. In case this is your first time on the internet and haven't run across that acronym before.

Wednesday, July 27, 2011

A Horrible, Heinous Hump Day Admission

I'm nosy.

It's true. I am. *bites knuckle* (Apparently I'm also melodramatic.)

Sorry, but I can't help it. I was born with a healthy HUGE amount of curiosity.

If you have a secret, I want to know it.

If you leave your journal lying around unlocked, I'll assume you meant to share it with me. (Hmm. I may even assume you meant to share it with me if the lock is too easy to pick.)

If you leave your blinds open, odds are I'll peek in. (From the sidewalk, as I walk past your house on an evening stroll. Come on -- I may be nosy but I'm not a total perv.)

In fact, houses/apartments are some of the things I'm the most curious about. I love seeing how and where people live. It's probably why the TV show House Hunters is one of my favorites, even though TG assures me it's actually quite boring.

But I don't care if it's boring. I get to see inside all those lovely, weird, tacky, gorgeous, mediocre, wonderful homes! That's the important thing.

The ones that still have furniture in them are the best. Antiques are nice, but big & ugly is more fun. And, oooh, when they open the closets -- Snoop Heaven!


I've done it now, haven't I? You're afraid to ever have me over, aren't you?

Look, it's not like I go rummaging through my friends' houses. Honest. Heck, I don't even check the medicine cabinet when I use their restrooms, because, seriously, somebody might've booby-trapped it with marbles.*cough* Um, I mean, because that would be an invasion of privacy and very, very ... what's that word I'm looking for? Oh, yeah. Wrong. It would be wrong, and that's why I don't do it. 

So, how about you? Are you nosy, too? Or are you boringly disinterested in the lives of ... uh, do you respect the privacy of others?

And if you really wanna make my day, tell me a secret. ;-)

P.S. Isn't that the most AWESOME camel pic ever?

Monday, July 25, 2011

"You Might Wanna..."

As you head into this new week, there are a few tidbits of wisdom it might be wise to take with you.

(Don't ask me how I know these things. All I can tell you is, some of us are just, intuitive. Yup. that's it. Intuitive.)

Before you...

...bite into that candy apple, you might wanna remember the bridge and three crowns in your mouth.

...throw a load of dark clothes into the washer, you might wanna check the pockets for Kleenex. honk at (and flip off) the driver who neglected to come to a complete stop, and almost T-boned you as you returned home from grocery shopping, you might wanna make sure it's not your neighbor. moment of marital playfulness flash your boobs at your husband, you might wanna make sure the blinds are closed. And that your neighbor isn't walking by your window.

...have that third martini, you might wanna remember how much you regretted the last third martini you had.

...brush your teeth, you might wanna remember your toothpaste isn't the only thing that comes in a tube. bite into that banana pepper (bland), you might wanna make sure it's not really a wax pepper (ye-owch!).
<--Banana pepper / Wax pepper -->

(You can see why there might be some confusion.)

So, do you have any helpful additions to the "You Might Wanna" list? That you (of course) just know intuitively? Do share!

Please. I mean, think of the pain and suffering (not to mention embarrassment) your intuition might save some hapless soul.

Friday, July 22, 2011

More Verifictionary Fun! Try to contain your excitement...

Y'all up for a little somethin'-somethin' with the verifictionary?

(Er, sorry. Sometimes I get an irrepressible urge to sound "cool." It never works out well for me.)

Anyway, you remember the verifictionary, don't you? The "dictionary" of those verification "words" that pop up when you try to leave a comment on someone's blog? If not, go here for more info. Because, yeah, this isn't the first time I've subjected you to this.

So, here are some of the new words that have popped up while I've been making my bog rounds lately: 

AERROT-- what happens to your grass roots when you over-aerate your lawn.

AMBLYPEN -- the pen you need when you're letting your fingers do the walking.

DURESSEE -- the person under pressure from the duressor.

JOCKYL -- the nerd Hyde's athletic alter-ego.

METANS -- like vegans, but for meat. They won't eat anything touched by a vegetable.

MUSELIE -- what muses like to eat for breakfast.

REDATIM -- what to do after you date 'im the first time.

REJOCKS -- the ones who didn't make the team.

SCROMIST -- okay, I have a definition for this one, too, only it's kind of dirty, so I'll leave it to your imagination to come up with what my imagination thought up. I'm sure you're up to the task. ;) Stuck? Maybe this will help:

SUBVERIT -- not quite the truth.

UPHON -- like an iphone, only for "u" instead of me.

VOLDSORI -- how baby Voldemort used to apologize (back before he was a total dipwad who never apologized for anything).

Have y'all come across any interesting possibilities while making your rounds?

Um, not here, of course. I haven't used word verification since Blogger got better spam filters. I think the fewer hoops my commenters have to jump through, the better. (Yeah, I know. Ironic, huh?) But, please, don't y'all stop. I need the material!

Wednesday, July 20, 2011

The Perfect Hump Day Read!!!

So, guess what I found on my porch yesterday?!!?

Go ahead, GUESS!!

Oh, never mind. I'll tell you SHOW you:

That's MAKING WAVES, the hilariously sexy novel by none other than my fantabulous critique partner, Tawna Fenske.

(Yes, that is me behind the book. No, I do not show my face this early in the morning. You're welcome.)

I'm so excited I could pee my pants! (Only, I won't. Because, yannoh, leather couch.)

Here's how it's described at the online sites where you can buy it:

When Alex Bradshaw's unscrupulous boss kicks him to the curb after 20 faithful years as an executive with the world's largest shipping company, he sets out to reclaim his dignity and his pension. Assembling a team of fellow corporate castoffs, he sails to the Caribbean to intercept an illegal diamond shipment. None of them counted on quirky blonde stowaway Juli Flynn, who has a perplexing array of talents, a few big secrets, and an intoxicating romantic chemistry with Alex...

Intriguing, huh? You know what that "intoxicating romantic chemistry" means, don't you? *waggles eyebrows* Yeah. Have your fan on standby.

 Folks, this book is good. A Pure D Fun escape from the workaday world. In fact, this book is so entertaining, I'm going to give it the inaugural...

Grimes Giggle Guarantee!

If you don't laugh yourself silly while reading, just send me your copy of the book and I will send you a lemon to suck, you sourpuss! your money back. (Seriously. I feel quite safe in making this guarantee.)

Oh, and since it's Hump Day, and I know how y'all like your camel pics, here:

This camel wishes it were reading MAKING WAVES. Ha! It should be so lucky.

(Are you still here? Shoo. Go buy your own copy of Tawna's book. You'll be glad you did.)

Monday, July 18, 2011

Inertia is a property of bloggers...

Remember Bill Nye the Science Guy? I used to love watching his show with my kiddos when they were little. (I try to ignore the fact that he's, rather weird, of late.)

Here's the intro to the show:

Did you hear the part about inertia being a property of matter? Yeah, well, it's a property of bloggers, too.

What's that you say? What is inertia?

*Ahem* Inertia is the tendency for a body at rest to remain at rest, or a body in motion to remain in motion, until acted upon by an outside force.

Which is a rather convoluted way of saying that once you've paused, it's hard to get moving again.

Most of y'all know the "outside force" that acted on me: the big medical clusterfu--um, yeah--that descended upon my family when my mom and my father-in-law each had to have major surgery right in the middle of my edits.

I know! Talk about poor timing on their part. Next time I hope they schedule their emergencies better.

Kidding. I'm really not that self-centered and cold-hearted. (Much.)

The good news is, the 'rents are on the road to recovery, my initial edits are done, and I'm starting to feel human again.

The bad news is...I'm b-a-a-a-ck...! And you will once again be subjected to my inane ramblings on whatever strikes me as remotely amusing.

WARNING: future posts could include stories about ICU hallucinations of cats and stolen panties, anesthesia-induced psychic visions, and how the best thing you can do after a long day in a hospital waiting rooms is "un-WINE-d."

P.S. Thanks for all your positive thoughts and prayers while this mess was going on! Much appreciated. :)

Wednesday, July 6, 2011

Some weeks are humpier than others...

...and this past week has been one of them. I feel kind of like this guy looks:

But I'm back home now! My travel day was...oh, crap. Trust me, you don't want to know. Let's just say it involved many, many hours, three flights, and Turbulence from Hell. Seriously. There was screaming, and it wasn't just me. Even the flight attendants let out a few squeaks. You can imagine how much I, flying-phobe that I am, enjoyed this.

(Actually, I did giggle through most of the bigger ups and downs, but I think that may have been impending hysteria.)

The good news: my mom has been moved to a medical rehab facility (they actually call it a "medical resort," which makes it sound kind of vacation-y, doesn't it?) where she'll stay until she can safely resume her normal independent lifestyle. This is a huge improvement over the hospital. She'll have a private room, and loads of help getting her strength back. Nobody expects her to have to stay there for long.

The bad news: TG's dad is going in for surgery today. He should be fine, and the hospital he's at is only ten minutes away. No air travel involved.

But it does bring to mind a comment my oldest brother made: "It's deja poo -- the feeling you've been through this sh!t before."

Um, yeah. Exactly.

Anyhoo, I'm now about to dive back into my edits, which I had to put so far on the back burner they were off the stove. Maybe even out of the kitchen. So if I'm scarce around the interwebz for a while longer, please forgive me. I haven't forsaken you (or your blogs)!

P.S. Sorry for the general lack of hilarity around this blog lately. I promise I'll think of some dirty jokes or naughty stories to share with you soon. In the meantime, if you have anything amusingly rude or irreverent you've been dying to share with me, please tell me in the comments. Don't worry if it's inappropriate. I'll probably laugh even more if it is. ;)

Happy Hump Day! (Heh. I said hump.)

Friday, July 1, 2011

Texas Heat and the ICU

I'm still here in Texas. It's HOT. But on the up side, I've had some great Mexican food.

Thank you all for your good thoughts and prayers. Mom came through the surgery with flying colors. She's had a little trouble with A-fib (arterial fibrillation -- "palpitations") since waking, but the medication is helping.

(Hmm. Wonder if she'll share...)

If all goes well, she'll get out of the ICU today, and into a more comfortable room. Her doctors and nurses have been universally wonderful. They've turned a horrendous experience into something bearable.

The poor things also now know I'm a writer, because Mom insists on telling everyone who comes into her room, whether it's to take her blood or adjust her wires and tubes, that her daughter is going to be published. And then, being Mom, she also adds, "It took her long enough."

Ah, moms. You gotta love 'em.

Anyway, I'll be here for a while longer. Internet coverage at the hospital is spotty, so you may not see much of me, but I'm thinking of you all. Really missing making my blog rounds, too. Can't wait to catch up when all this medical mess is behind me.