Wednesday, April 13, 2011

Wednesday Wisdom, aka Things I Learned the Hard Way

Thought I'd share some pieces of wisdom I've gleaned from life over the years. Things I learned the hard way. My gift to you, so you don't have to acquire the knowledge the way I did.

(The "why" behind each wisdom should be apparent without elaboration.)

1. Never trust the all-you-can-eat sushi bar in a restaurant with an iffy air conditioner.

2. Don't feed bran muffins to raccoons.

3. When the president of the PTA calls, pretend to be somebody else.

4. If you see your toddler running around without a diaper, don't chase him/her barefoot.

5. While two martinis may sometimes not be enough, three are always too many. Corollary: rollerblading after drinking martinis is not a good idea.

6. Don't use the box of baking soda deodorizing the refrigerator for your baking, even if you are out of baking powder.

7. Laundry detergent -- even a little bit -- is not a good substitute for dishwasher detergent.

8. Never try to blow out a lit can of sterno unless you think eyebrows are senseless facial ornaments. (This one is courtesy of TG.)

9. Don't test the automatic garage door stop mechanism with your foot. 

10. If you have the kind of car that locks with a press of the button on the door, make sure doubly sure the key is in your hand before you get out of the car. Corollary: Make sure your toddler is not still in the car seat. Corollary #2: Or that the engine is still running.

11. The right answer is always, without hesitation, "Yes, that looks fantastic!" (Courtesy of my son.)

So, how about y'all? Any wisdom you'd care to add to the list? If you're embarrassed about how you gained your knowledge, just pretend you heard it from a friend. I'll never tell. ;)


Anne Gallagher said...

2 - yes.
3 - absolutely.
7 - found out the hard way.
10 - The police were not happy with me.

My own -- always keep a roll of toilet paper in the car. Especially with a child. Need I say more?

Summer Frey said...

Ha! Love it.
Hmmm...I'm coming up blank, unfortunately. Downside of doing the blog rounds right after waking. Thanks for the laugh!

Tara said...

Took a little blog break...boy, I missed you.

It's too early, and my coffee is only half down. Nothing's coming. But, I'm sure I'll think of a hundred things later.

abby mumford said...

Don't trust your friend's "oh this looks familiar" comments as you drive to upstate NY for a college visit. Consult a map because you might end up in PA.

Michele Shaw said...

Always know where your glasses are before you take your contacts out. I still can't learn this one. I fumble for my glasses EVERY night! Wth? Right? Also, it's a good idea to have the lid on the blender before pressing go. Spots on the ceiling anyone? I've *cough* heard that's what happens. ;)

A Novel Woman said...

LOVE these!

Kimberly Sabatini said...

You made my day!!! Have you been spying on me? LOL!!! Also blowing pepper in your brother's face will not make him sneeze like they do in the cartoons. He may try to rip his own burning eyeballs out of his head though. BTW-still holding grudge. *grin*

Dawn@Lighten Up! said...

Ha! My favorite is number one. Sounds like sushi sold at a gas station. Why? Why, I say.

Susan Flett Swiderski said...

Oh, these are fantastic! Love 'em. Let's see, what can I add to your list? How about: "Don't spread the enthusiasm too thick when thanking your spouse for something unless you want to get more of that something for every holiday for the rest of your life."

Dianne K. Salerni said...

Wonderful lessons! #5 is one I have also learned on my own, but the problem is that somewhere between the second and third, I forget.

Jeffe Kennedy said...

Never shake your head to dry your hair while riding a bicycle. Corollary, particularly do not do this because someone else told you not to and you wondered what would happen.

Jennifer Shirk said...

Oh my gosh, those are hilarious!!

Trisha Leigh said...

Never smart off to a police officer, even if you haven't been drinking.

Never answer, "no officer, I haven't drank a thing" when you just guzzled a bottle of Boones Farm and do, in fact, reek like a winery.

It's not a good idea to wait 3 years to tell someone you love them then get wasted beforehand and go ahead with the plan even though he's got a girlfriend. Possibly related: Do not try and talk someone out of a wedding a week out. The real world is nothing like The Notebook

Yeah. I like yours. They're funny :)

Steph Schmidt said...

Don't chuck the map after arriving at a destination. It's sorta necessary for getting back home.

Oh San Francisco and your tiny road signs you make it easy to get lost.

Keriann Greaney Martin said...

Love these! I couldn't think of many, but here goes...

1. Don't run down stairs with your hands in your pockets.

2. Don't egg on your BFFs little brother and dare him to bend your finger backward because you didn't think he'd actually do it (he did, and it hurt ... uh, my friend told me)

3. Always check the expiration date before eating clam chowder.

Anonymous said...

Well, I was going to leave a comment about how you'd mixed up baking powder and baking soda, and then I fact-checked myself real quick and realized that baking powder is just baking soda with an acid pre-added.

So good news is I gained a bit of Wednesday Wisdom; bad news is I'm apparently the kind of person who fact-checks blog comments.


OMG, now I think you need to go through one by one and tell the story behind ALL of these. That'll keep you in blog posts for awhile (and keep us in stitches for an equally long time!)


Jessica Bell said...

LOL. Number 9, Corollary #1 or your body :o)

Linda G. said...

Thank you all for your comments! For those who shared your own hard-won wisdom, a special thanks. I'll try to learn from your experiences.

Tawna, good idea. I may indeed expand upon some them in later posts. :)

Unknown said...

OMG! I wish I would have read #3 yesterday!!
Awesome post! You really had me snorting at #4 too! :D
Man, I <3 your blog!

Kasie West said...

Really? Number 7?? Hmm, I'm glad you learned that for me because I might have thought to do that at some point in the future. :) Thanks for all the tips.

Jessica Lemmon said...

NEVER, under any circumstances and NO MATTER how maritime the waiter or the restaurant seems, order a bucket of shellfish while vacationing in Tennessee. (Or any other land-locked state...)