Wednesday, April 20, 2011

What's a stuggling writer to wear?

Most professions have some sort of dress code. Doctors wear white coats. Lawyers wear suits. Strippers wear G-strings. Writers wear...whatever the hell they feel like.

Oh, I know what you're thinking. PJs. What writer could require more? Sitting around in your pajamas all day, clacking away on the keyboard -- every writer's dream.



WARNING: This can get chilly if you sleep in the nude.

Now, I'm not saying I haven't been there and done that.

(The pajamas thing. Not writing in the nude thing. Well, except that one time, when it was really hot and the air conditioner was broken, and I thought I was alone in the house, but... *Ahem* Never mind.)

But the well-outfitted writer needs more than comfy flannel to aid in the pursuit of a career in the literary arts.

For instance:

A nice, tailored Armored Suit -- to protect skin that is never quite thick enough to withstand the early onslaught of rejection. Later, after publication, you can recycle it to wear while reading reviews.



The ever-necessary Patience Panties -- to remind you not to get too ruffled while you're waiting. Because there will be Waiting. Followed by more Waiting. Interspersed with a healthy dose of Anticipating and a dash of Expecting.



Another must, Steel-Toed Boots -- the better to kick your crit partners into gear when they need it:



In that same vein, you better get yourself some Padded Underdrawers -- for when your crit partners are kicking your butt into gear. (May be worn in conjunction with Patience Panties, if both are needed at the same time.)



No wardrobe would be complete without Accessories:

A Muffler -- for those times (like after two or six glasses of wine) it would be better to keep your scathing opinions amazingly astute perceptions about the state of publishing in the world to yourself.



Bulky Mittens -- to keep you from typing that bitter rant about "Author X," the untalented hack who somehow managed to get published AND make a gazillion dollars while your brilliance has thus far gone un- (or under-) appreciated by the masses.



And finally, a Megaphone -- to help you shout out encouragement to your fellow strugglers along the Great Writing Path.


To all my Writer Buds: HANG IN THERE!

Can you think of any wardrobe additions? Please share.

30 comments:

Smithtown High School East said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
KarenG said...

I like those last three! Very important accessories for the modern writer!

Anne Gallagher said...

I think you covered the bases quite well. Ear muffs would be the only other necessity for me, however, when I have to listen to Monster Child's incessant movie playing in the background.

Patty Blount said...

I love this! What an imagination you have. I can't wait to read your books.

I'd add a Kevlar vest so that negative reviews can't kill us.

abby mumford said...

this is classic. i can't stop giggling over the suit of armor, the patience panties, the padded underdrawers, well, really the whole darn post!

the only thing i'd add is this shirt:
http://images3.cpcache.com/product/149057983v1_480x480_Front_Color-White.jpg

Jessica Lemmon said...

I love the mittens - hahahaha! I mean... I don't get it. For, I am always happy. *grin*

I did a blog a while back on Writers & Robes. I think that's what us writers are supposed to wear... ah, here it is: http://smilefeelgood.blogspot.com/2010/08/writers-robes.html (LOL, I liked your comment.)

~Nicole Ducleroir~ said...

Hilarious! I'm typing away right now in my pajamas, over a pair of patience panties. :D

Teri Anne Stanley said...

I'm thinking some sort of stylish helmet (like Super Dave Osborne) might be in order, for those moment that involve beating one's head against the wall of "Why the HECK do you think you want to write?"

Summer Frey said...

I think some knee-length, super-fluffy socks with oscillating heaters in them would be nice. Circulation isn't my friend when I sit at the desk all day. Oh, and maybe one of those "exercise belts" like they used to try to sell in the 60's? :)

Tara said...

Can I wear the white undies over the armor?

Karla Nellenbach said...

you forgot the knive-fingered gloves (ala Freddy Krueger) for when you must cut through the writer's block.

nice post :)

Trisha Leigh said...

These are all very necessary and I could use several of them at the moment. I love this post, Linda. :)

Dawn @Lighten Up! said...

Ha! Love it, and with the crappy book I started today, I esp. Love the Bulky Mittens! It's garbage! !

Michele Shaw said...

ha ha! Love all of them. And yep, I have the steel-toed boots...just ask my crit partner! Thanks for the laughs and smiles. I SO need them right now:)

Susan Adrian said...

I'm enlisting the Patience Panties for the next little while.

*sigh*

Seems I ALWAYS need those suckers...

Kelly Breakey said...

This one made me smile.

Dolly said...

LOL!! BRILLIANT :-)

Jeffe Kennedy said...

Great collection!

Kimberly Sabatini said...

That was awesome!!!!

Kari Lynn Dell said...

I have a whole collection of mufflers. And mittens. And still, the stupid leaks out into the Internets sometimes.

Kristina said...

My only comment is this: thank goodness no one can see me whilst typing away at 2am! Oh, and this was great! ;)

Heather P said...

I thoroughly enjoyed this posting and the only accessorie I might add would be headphones. You know the kind that block out all extraneous noise like unwanted criticisms or well meaning opinions, etc. Or the best one of all....the way someone "else" would write it. Good going!!

Huntress said...

You forgot the all-purpose board/wall/very hard surface to bash one's head. It is a very important accessory when confronted by misspellings after hitting the send button.

Jennifer Shirk said...

Oh my gosh, hilarious. I need to get me a pair of patience panties. LOL

Anne N Kenny said...

Hahah too funny! I love the recycled armor.

Bess Weatherby said...

I think the megaphone is my favorite. Or the armor. I try not to write in my pajamas. Far too cosy! Although I do enjoy my striped pink bathrobe. Just makes me feel fabulous, especially if I have a latte :)

Too bad that almost never happens!

Al said...

I swing between PJs at home and formal work attire (I tend to do most of my writing on the train)

Theresa Milstein said...

Love this post!

Fleece sweats from Old Navy that I snagged from my son have been pretty good writer wear.

Have you considered this new trend from Europe? Coming to America soon. Beware!

http://www.onepiece.co.uk/store.php

Hallie said...

Ha! Love this! Maybe another accessory would be the coffee cup, the holy grail of the writing world. :)

Helen Cassidy Page said...

You've just written my letter to Santa!