So anyhoo, a friend of mine was bitching and moaning to me recently about the *cough* rather extended stay of some house guests. Not that she didn't love these friends of hers, but she was kind of over loving them up close, if you know what I mean. She was ready to resume loving them from afar.
After talking it through (there may have been alcohol involved), we came up with some surefire tips to ensure her future house guests never wear out their welcome. Thought I'd share our list with you, purely in the interest of public service.
THE HAPPY HOSTESS GUIDE TO GETTING RID OF GUESTS GUILTLESSLY
1. The guest bed should not be so comfortable that the guests' own beds (in their own homes) compare unfavorably. Because that would be sad for them. A good hostess doesn't want her guests to be sad.
2. If you have any small children--or, better yet, teenagers--have your guests share a bathroom with them during their stay. This will make them feel like part of the family. It will also make them appreciate their own private bathroom--in their own home--that much more. They will be happy they have a private bathroom to go home to. A good hostess wants her guests to be happy.
3. Leave a tip jar on the kitchen counter. Salt it with a few bills. This will make your guests feel like they are at a resort, where tip jars abound. Who wouldn't want their vacay to feel like a resort?
4. Ask your guests to pick up your dry-cleaning on the way back from one of their sightseeing jaunts. They'll feel needed. Nothing gives people the warm fuzzies like feeling needed. And whatever you do, don't insult them by giving them the money to cover bill--they'll think you think they're cheap, and that would be rude.
5. Tell your guests you're a "green" household, and everyone showers together to conserve water. This is Mother Earth we're talking about--joining together for such a good cause will build a sense of camaraderie, a welcome addition to any vacation. Let's hear a kumbaya, people!
6. Have a "Lawrence Welk Sing-Along Party." Every night. Again, it's all about the camaraderie. To make the camaraderie even more festive, rent a bubble machine.
7. A middle-of-the-night fire drill will let your guests know you care about their safety. Schedule the first one for the fourth night; if they stay beyond a week, go for every night. Because, really, can you ever have too much safety?
My friend and I came up with more tips, but frankly, at this point, they just started getting silly (and perhaps a trifle inappropriate). How about y'all? Do you have any tips to add? I'm sure my friend would appreciate them.