Monday, April 26, 2010

The Couch of Judgment

"That shirt makes her look pregnant. Do you think she's pregnant? Because she sure looks pregnant there," said the theater god.

"I dunnoh," I said. "I don't think so. Because she looks, you know, like she's at least fifty. And not a good fifty."

"Not a good pregnant, either," TG added, with a sad shake of his head.

Sound nasty? Oh, it is. But it's okay, because we were sitting on the Couch of Judgment, from whence we get to be as hypercritical as we like.

There's only one catch. We can only be hypercritical of the people we see on TV.

(Or sometimes of people we know but with whom we are feeling a wee bit disgruntled. Not our friends, of course. More like acquaintances. Really, really annoying acquaintances. But only if they are not here with us. Because while we may be overly judgmental on occasion, we are not, you know, stupid.)

The woman we were discussing was one of the anchors for a local news show. No, I won't say which one. Though I am, in fact, sitting on the COJ, its reach does not extend to the internet. What is snarked within these four walls stays within these four walls.

Anyhoo, I have no idea if the probably-not-pregnant anchor was discussing matters of great import. Didn't really care at the time. All I know is, she should not wear that blouse on TV ever again. Because, damn.

(I will forgive her rather haggard-looking face because she may have had a bad night, and besides, we all know what HDTV can do to anyone over fourteen.)

Who, you may be wondering, do we think we are? What gives us the right?

Valid questions, since our imperfections abound. Please, feel free to come on over and delineate them for us. Just make sure you're sitting on the COJ when you do. ;)

So, what's the point of this post, other than to let you know how petty the theater god and I can be at times?


Well, maybe that is the point. We're human. We sometimes have negative--okay, mean--thoughts. But neither of us cares much for hurting other people's feelings, especially not people we know and like. So the COJ is a kind of safety valve. Release a little of the snark in a safe place, and we're better able to hold it in at times when it might be considered *cough* inappropriate.

So, how about y'all? How do you deal with your inner snarkiness?

And watch out if you try to tell me you never have a mean thought. Because you know where I'm sitting...


Jessica Bell said...

hahaha. I wish I could sit on the couch with you sometimes. Sometimes I really feel like I need to put someone down. Now, I say that in the kindest way possible ... ;)


I sooo need a couch of judgment. Or maybe a beanbag chair of judgment. That would be more comfortable.


Anonymous said...

My sister and I used to have MJ days i.e. 'Mall Judgement' days where we used to sit in the mall corridors and people watch.

There are some real freaks out there in public!

I'm not talking about boring shoppers. I mean the ones who want attention on themselves, you know? Goth types or those who dye their hair many different colours.

I'm guilty of dressing as such when I was a teen too though.

Eh, I guess we all go through phases.

My point is, and I think I did have one. I should have never started the MJ days. Now I feel like such a judgemental snob at times!

Candyland said...

The hubs has a "couch" we call "Crit Patrol" and it's not pretty. I save my snarkiness for TV, too, because who are they kidding? Some people should NOT wear certain shirts, right?

Linda G. said...

Alli-Allo -- it's tough to resist sometimes. Maybe you need a safety valve too. ;)

Tawna -- a beanbag chair of judgment could work. Plus, it's tough to take yourself too seriously when you're sitting in a beanbag chair. That might help keep the judgmental tone lighter.

Xuxana -- well, were you judging them out loud? Did they hear you? If not, no harm, no foul. ;)

Candyland -- Crit Patrol is a great name for a COJ. :) Re people who should not wear certain shirts: believe me, I know all about THAT. You've seen my Kickass shirt, haven't you? ;)

Unknown said...

I was hoping to adopt a motorized barstool of judgment. That way I could go from the kitchen counter at home to the karoke bar and maximize my judgment time and range.

Linda G. said...

Misty -- I like the way you think. ;)

Cynthia Reese said...

I am ashamed to admit it, but funerals (other people's families) often bring out the worst in me. I am from the south, where going without pantyhose is just coming into social acceptance (I know, I know.) Honestly, what some people consider proper funeral garb.

It must be how I was "raised" as we say in the south, because if my sister is with me, we'll get in the car to go from the service to the burial, and the first words out of our mouths will be, "Did you see ..." and we'll laugh at ourselves more than anything else.

Linda G. said...

Cynthia -- LOL! Oh, I so hear you. And once you get going, it's hard to stop, isn't it? But as long as you can laugh about it, and nobody gets hurt, where's the harm?

Bria Quinlan said...

You know, I try not to snark too much. But then I met Boss Cowboy and came to understand that there are certain people who come into our lives and do things just so we can mock them.

Yes, this is where I'm not such a good person. :(

Linda G. said...

Bria -- dealing with people like Boss Cowboy gives you special dispensation to snark even without a COJ. And, no, it does NOT make you a bad person. It makes you human. :)

Now, if you snarked about Mother Teresa...then you might be bad. ;)

Sage Ravenwood said...

Hah! I tell Paul (the other half) everything mean or not. Thing is sometimes I'm not on the couch and I'm out and about. Part of being deaf is not exactly hearing your own voice. So Paul gently had to remind me, sometimes I tended to think out loud. I'm much better these days.

Otherwise I try not to be judgmental, condescending or the least not to anyone's face. (Hugs)Indigo

Karen Jones Gowen said...

Couch of Judgement!! That's awesome! Yes, I've sat there many times. But it's no fun with a husband, it needs to be with a sister, daughter or girlfriend. Men sit on their COJ during sporting events and yell at the players (haha, like they could toss the ball any better!)

Linda G. said...

Indigo -- Oops. Good thing you have Paul! :) Now maybe you should get a COJ. It's a good outlet. ;)

Karen -- I'm lucky. TG doesn't overdo it with the TV sports. A little football in season, and that's about it. And, honestly, I kinda like to watch that too--all those cute behinds running down the field!