Wednesday, June 2, 2010

On Passion and Potato Chips

It seems it's Embarrassing Moment Day in the blogosphere. Topics have ranged from hurking in underwear to unintentionally sucking down ink, with pit stops for flipping out hats and slurping up frog guts.

How can I top any of that?

Well, I can't. Not really. Though there was this one time I found excruciatingly embarrassing, so I guess I can share that.

Now, I was tall and gawky as a kid, and spent a good deal of time wilting under the teasing barbs of my older brothers and their friends.

"Four-eyes."

"Skinnybones."

"Twiggy."

"Flatso." (Yup, a perennial favorite.)

Nothing too mean-spirited (and believe me, I could dish it out as well as I could take it), but still. It stung.

Then something magical happened. *cue the sound of trumpets* Puberty.

Seemingly overnight I was hit with a "curves" ball. Oh, not in the Marilyn Monroe league, but suddenly it was apparent I was a girl. Also, I got contact lenses. And boy, did my brothers' friends notice. Which ticked off my brothers no end, but, hey, they deserved it.

One day, *tries to think of a suitable pseudonym* um, Hotney... (Taken from the other part of "hot-rod," which contains his name...are you following this? Pay attention.)

ANYway, Hotney showed up one day when my middle brother (two years my senior, as was Hotney) wasn't home. Which was just fine with Hotney, who said he'd be happy to wait, and did I want to keep him company while he waited?

And he didn't even call me Twiggy.

Well. Be still my heart. My brother's friend, whom half of the high school had a crush on, wanted to be in the same room with me. On purpose!

I got us some Cokes and chips while he settled in front of the TV. As we chatted I couldn't help but notice he was inching closer to me. Ack! My inexperienced little heart was beating out a rhythm like a beatnik on bongos. Was he going to kiss me?

He was!

And I had never been kissed before.

(Unless you count the time my best childhood friend, John--yes, my best friend was a boy--and I bumped lips for a fraction of a second when we were nine years old. But there were no tongues involved then, and, being a well-read young lady, I was fairly sure tongues were involved when teenagers kissed.)

What to do? I mean, technically, I wasn't even allowed to date until I was sixteen. Of course, my logical brain brain argued, this wasn't really a date, was it? (At least, I'm pretty sure it was my brain arguing...but never mind. That's not really the pertinent part of the story.)

As Hotney leaned in closer, I panicked. Stall, stall, stall! I needed time to work out in my head exactly what I should do with my lips when he connected. I felt...ill-prepared. So I did what any girl would when the hottest guy in school was zooming in on her mouth--I stuffed it full of potato chips at the last second.

To no avail. Too late to stop his landing, Hotney completed his mission.

It didn't last long. Hotney did not deepen the kiss to anything like the ones my friends and I had read--and giggled--about. (Can't say as I blame him.)

As for me--well, I was so mortified I jumped up and ran out of the den, making some excuse about hearing my mother calling me. Hotney was gone when I got up the nerve to return.

We never spoke of it afterward, and he never asked me out. My brother never teased me about the episode, so I guess Hotney never mentioned it to him. Probably was afraid of getting beat up. *shrug*

So, how do I remember my first "real" kiss?

Well, it was...salty.

23 comments:

Tawna Fenske said...

LOL, that's the best "first kiss" story I've ever read. Mine had something to do with being traded for a Coke bottle filled with water. It's been awhile, I was six. Am still in therapy.

Love the story!

Tawna

trishaleighkc said...

OMG That is HILARIOUS. First kisses are pretty lame as things go, so at least yours is funny!

Bill Cameron said...

My first kiss featured me saying, "Gross! You stuck your tongue in my mouth!" Or something like that.

Patty Blount said...

*giggles* That is adorable.

My first kiss was a disappointment. I kept waiting for the fireworks, the zing, the tingle, the oomph.

Nuthin'.

JohnO said...

Hah! Well, no one really prepares you for these things, do they?

Linda G. said...

Yay! Comments. I was about to change my most embarrassing moment to the time I posted about my first kiss and nobody commented. ;)

Tawna -- Traded for a coke bottle filled with water? I sense a story there. Hope you'll elaborate. :)

Trishaleigh -- Sure, it's funny now. But then...well, let's just say it was a long time before I could eat a potato chip again. ;)

Bill -- Please don't tell me you were 25 when it happened... ;)

Patty -- Ah, well. I think that's the way it goes with a lot of first kisses. :)

Bill Cameron said...

Of course not! I'm not THAT pathetic. (I was 23.)

Harley May said...

This is hysterical! That would be the most horrific experience. Bless.

My first kiss was rather sweet. I was 13 and my backpack had been locked in someone else's car. My crush at the time ran all the way to the car'ss owner (which was some distance away) and back with the keys to get it out. I kissed him in thanks.

Linda G. said...

Bill -- Oh. Well, that's okay, then. Not *cough* pathetic at all. Really. *blink*

Harley May -- It was! It scarred me emotionally for at least a week. YOUR first kiss sounds much sweeter than mine. :)

Elisabeth Black said...

Funny! That would never have occurred to me. I froze up for my first kiss. It wasn't my fault, right before it started I realized another boy who liked me and I kind of liked was staring at us. I heard the kissing boy afterward tell his brother it could have been wetter.

I got him back pretty good, but that is another story.

Linda G. said...

Elisabeth -- Who knows? Maybe if you'd had a handful of potato chips at the time, you too would've reacted like I did. ;) And you should right a blog post about how you got the kisser back--I'd love to read that story!

KarenG said...

I don't even remember my first real kiss there were so many of them LOL! Anyway, love this story because hotney guy deserved the salt because he was making the moves on you for no good reason. Meaning he was up to no good.

Linda G. said...

KarenG -- You're right. Hotney was definitely a player. I was so shocked he was actually making a play for goofy old me that I almost let him get away with it, too. Fortunately, some self-protective instinct kicked in (Potato Chip -- the patron saint wayward lips?) and saved me from myself. And, incidentally, Hotney from my brother's wrath. Because my brother really would have beat the snot out of him. ;)

CKHB said...

Linda has given me permission to comment about my first (real) kiss even though it was lovely. ;-)

I more or less orchestrated it, bringing a picnic blanket to lunch instead of our usual ground-sitting, bench-sitting, or other improvising in the park near our high school. 9th grade. Good stuff.

Married him.

Sierra Godfrey said...

Whhooooooooo wheeee and WHAT dramatic tension you built! Awesome story.

Linda G. said...

Sierra -- Thanks! Glad you liked it. :)

Linda G. said...

CKHB -- I know I replied to your comment earlier, but it appears blogger ate it. Anyway, yours is a truly sweet story. You're a lucky woman to have found the love of your life so early. :)

Deborah said...

ROF,L! My firt kiss was in a concrete culvert w/ the teacher's son. Eyes closed. Undercover of his jacket, so the on-duty lunch supervisor wouldn't send us to the office. :)

Deb

Linda G. said...

Deb -- How very enterprising of you and your partner in passion! I salute you. :)

Roh Morgon said...

Great story! Very humorous and very well written.

Thanks for sharing!

Linda G. said...

Thanks, Roh! Glad you enjoyed it. :)

Kelly Breakey said...

You know what they say about potato chips? No one can eat just one.

Linda G. said...

Kelly -- But what do they say about kisses? ;)