Visiting Reality

What's In a Name?

2012-01-27T08:27:00.000-05:00

Well, I'll tell you . . . if you pop on over to The Debutante Ball.

(Come on. It's Friday. You know by now I spend Fridays at the Ball.)

Here's a teaser:

Uh-huh. Names matter, don't they?

Do you like your name? Does it "fit" you? Or is there a name you think would suit you better?

Personally, I've always been fond of my stripper name. You know how to figure out your stripper name, don't you? You take the name of your first pet and combine with the name of the street you lived on when you were born.

Mine? Sparky West Haven. Has a ring to it, doesn't it? What's yours?

Seriously? It's Hump Day ALREADY?

2012-01-25T09:48:00.000-05:00

Gaaah.

Sorry. I'm running behind this week, so you'll have to settle for a *cough* late camel . . .

(Get it? Because it's a skeleton, so it's dead? Or, euphemistically speaking, "late"?)

On a *cough, cough* totally unrelated topic, how do you feel about puns? Do they make you smile in appreciation or groan in pain?

Or, for that matter, what's your stance on euphemisms? A necessary social nicety or an outmoded convention?

And Winner Is . . .! (Plus, commenting systems suck.)

2012-01-23T10:34:00.000-05:00

YES! We have a winner in the G-Spot Ask Me Anything contest!

Dianne K. Salerni!!!

Dianne asked: "What was your inspiration for the story that will become your debut novel?
(Just getting you ready for your blog tour ...)"

To which I replied: "LOL! Would you believe I saw my MC's name on a vanity license plate and the whole story bloomed in my head? It's true. Just seeing "Ciel" unveiled a book that I'm sure must have already been hiding in my subconscious. If I hadn't been on the Fairfax County Parkway that fateful day, IN A FIX might have never come to be."

Come on. She gave me the perfect opportunity to blather on about the woo-woo way my book came to be. That deserves a cheezy prize, right?

Not that I didn't adore all the other questions, because I did. And I thank you all for entering. You were all enter-taining. *cough* Er, sorry.

So, what is Dianne's prize? It's . . .

. . . a bag of Hershey's Kisses (with Almonds!) left over from Christmas (but they're not stale yet, I promise) AND a THOR Pez Dispenser!!!!

Can you stand the excitement, Dianne? If you'll email me your address at linda(dot)grimes(at)gmail(dot)com, I'll get your fabulous prize in the mail to you ASAP.

And now I have to express my frustration with Blogger's commenting options. Grrrr.

As some of you know, I tried out the Intense Debate commenting system a while back, because it had that very cool option of replying to comments individually. I reeeeally like being able to do that. Unfortunately, it was a capricious pr*ck, and wouldn't let a lot of my regular readers comment. Which kind of, yanno, defeats the purpose of a commenting system. So I dumped it. (And *bites knuckle and sobs* lost all those lovely comments!)

Then, just a little while ago, I noticed on another Blogger blog that there was a way to reply to individual comments with Blogger itself. Hallelujah! The perfect solution!

Or so I thought.

But it appears the Blogger threaded commenting option doesn't play well with all my readers, either. I think it's mainly those who use Internet Explorer who haven't been able to leave a comment, but maybe it's others, too. I can't say for sure, because they can't all, yanno, leave a freakin' comment. Argh!

Anyway, I've changed the setting back to the old, non-threaded one. Guess I'll leave it that way until I hear Blogger has worked the bugs out of the other one.

Or else I may just bit the bullet and switch to Wordpress. Any Wordpress users out there? Do you like it? Does it have any glitches that will drive me crazy? If I do switch, will I regret it?

Advice: Everybody Has It, Nobody Takes It

2012-01-20T08:44:00.000-05:00

So, if you could give me one piece of advice, what would it be? (I may not use mine, but it's always possible I'll use yours.)

Why, yes, we are writing about advice--both good and bad--over at the Debutante Ball this week. Why do you ask?

(If you click on that link, you'll get to read about a sizzling hot experience I had once. Hint: It involves a bikini and baby oil. *waggles eyebrows*)

Oh, and don't forget to enter the G-Spot Contest I posted about on Monday. The deadline is midnight tonight, and it's really easy--all you have to do is leave a question (not even an answer! how hard can that be?) in the comments there.

Have a great weekend, everyone! :)

What kind of Hump Day are you having?

2012-01-18T06:52:00.000-05:00

Sometimes you gotta be you. (~~Even~~ Especially if you're a little different.)

And sometimes you have to be superhero you, just to cope with life's demands.

And then there are those times when you say screw it all and head for the nearest bar . . .

What kind of Hump Day are you having? A "You" day, a "Superhero-You" day, or a "Screw It All" day?

Whatever kind it is, I hope it turns out happy!

P.S. Don't forget to add a question to my Monday post for your chance to win a thrilling sur-PRIZE!

Return of the G-Spot (with a Sur-PRIZE!)

2012-01-16T07:38:00.000-05:00

About a year ago, I did a Q & A post I cleverly named -- you guessed it -- The G-Spot!

You know, "G" for "Grimes." And "Spot" for . . . well, spot. As in place. My place. Er, this place, I mean. My blog.

Never mind.

As I recall, I got some really good questions. To which I gave brilliant answers, I'm sure. But then the Intense Debate commenting system I was using at the time decided to blow up in my face, and made them all -- questions and brilliant answers -- disappear.

This made me sad.

So, here I am, trying it again. (The G-Spot. Not Intense Debate. Burn me once, and hell if I'm going near you again.)

Ask me anything!

All questions (except for the spam I have to delete, or the truly obscene ones, which I will also delete) will be answered!*

The questions don't have to be about me. They can be about you. If you need any advice about anything -- anything at all -- I am here to offer it. ** And if I don't know the answer, you can trust me to make something up. I'm a writer. Making stuff up is what I do.

Best questions will be added to my IAQ (Inappropriately Answered Questions) on the sidebar, which I've been promising to update since I started this blog, and haven't gotten around to yet.

Oh, and how about a prize too?

I haven't had a contest in a while, so let's go for it! It will, of course, be a sur-PRIZE. You won't know what it is until somebody has won. The only thing you can be sure of is that it will be basically valueless, and possibly (but not necessarily) edible.

Contest rules: Ask me question in the comments sometime before Friday, Jan. 20, at midnight EST. If I don't have to delete it for the above-mentioned reasons, you will automatically be entered. That's it. Easy-peasy, huh?

What are you waiting for? ASK AWAY!

*Sure, the answer may be "none of your business," but what the heck. That shouldn't stop you from trying.

**Will it be helpful advice? Not likely. But perhaps amusing enough to take your mind off your problem for a brief period of time.

Oh! The thrills! (Just not here.)

2012-01-13T08:02:00.000-05:00

I'm having a thrilling time with a bunch of half-naked men (and one exceedingly large-breasted woman) over at the Debutante Ball today. Won't you join me?

Come on. Just click here. I promise I won't embarrass you. (Much.)

Trust me. I'm doing you a service... ;)

So, are you starting to wonder if I'll ever do another real post here on a Friday? What a coincidence! So am I.

I know I will eventually, but right now I'm really, really (note my sincerity by the use of the italicized double-really) into finishing my current WIP. Which, of course, means nothing to you, since (most of) you haven't even read my first book (In a Fix) yet. But someday, if all goes according to my nefarious plan for ~~taking over the world~~ writing success, you will be glad I'm doing this.

I hope. (Unless you hate In a Fix, in which case you won't care. But I hope we can still be friends. I mean, not everyone has to like it, and some people won't, and I'm going to put on my big girl panties as soon as it's released, so don't worry about hurting my feelings or anything if you don't happen to like it...)

Anyway, in the meantime, I am at the Ball on Fridays, and with one click of your mouse you can come poke me there. (Heh-heh.)

Are you really, really into anything special right now?

Wednesday Wisdom...from a camel.

2012-01-11T07:26:00.000-05:00

So, if you've been reading my blog for any length of time, you know Wednesday -- aka Hump Day -- is all about camels. I look for amusing pictures of our fellow earthlings of the dromedary persuasion, and share them here with you.

But camels are not just for laughing at. They are dignified fellow residents of this great planet, and we should respect them for their contributions. Like, um, camel hair. And camel's milk, and camel transportation, and camel toes...er, scratch that last one.

Sure, camels are beasts of burden, but that is a noble occupation. They make life so much easier for the desert-dwelling people of the world. No other animal is as well suited for travel over the shifting sands. Sure, they'll spit at you if you annoy them by your existence, but that's a small price to pay for all they give.

There are many kinds of camels. Here, check out this handy chart:

There. I feel better now. More respectful. Don't you?

What? You're disappointed? You came her wanting a laugh?

*sigh*

Okay. But it's on your head...

Parting words of wisdom: Just because it fits doesn't mean you should wear it.

Have you (or, for you bashful types, one of your "friends") ever worn anything you probably shouldn't have?

A bustier to a PTA meeting, perhaps?

Stiletto heels to the beach?

A ripped tie-dyed T-shirt to a formal wedding?

Do spill!

Friday is a Shameless Tease

2012-01-06T08:31:00.000-05:00

Resolutions? Ha! I spit -- *patooie!*-- on resolutions!

(What? You want more than that? Okay, click here. Because it's, yanno, Friday, and I'm at the Debutante Ball.)

May the force be with you! (That will make more sense once you read my Deb post.*)

*Yes, that's a shameless tease. Is that bad? Should I not have done that?

But, hey, while you're here, what's your position on watermelon? Love it? Hate it? Only willing to eat it so you can spit the seeds? Have you ever won a watermelon seed spitting contest? Are you wondering what in the hell watermelons have to do with resolutions?*

*Well, they're the same color as Yoda. (That will make more sense after you click on the link above, too. Yeah, yeah . . . I know. Shameless.)

Humpy 2012, everybody!

2012-01-04T07:26:00.000-05:00

Wow. 2012 really snuck up on me!

Here's something worthy of the first Hump Day post of the new year (don't worry, it's short*):

How can you watch that and not love camels? Obviously, camels are just great big puppies.

(Thanks for the link to the vid, Steve!)

*Not something I'm used to hearing around here. ;)

On Grindstones and Dialogue

2011-12-30T07:56:00.000-05:00

Hi there. You may have noticed I haven't been around much this week. That's because I've been ~~playing hooky with my family for the holidays~~ keeping my nose to the copy-edit grindstone.

Okay, maybe a little of both.

In any case, I'm still over at the Debutante Ball. If you click here, you can read my take on ~~playing with myself~~. I mean, ~~talking to myself~~. Er, dialogue.

Happy Friday! :)

On your mark...get set...PANIC SHOP!!

2011-12-23T08:09:00.000-05:00

Yes, it's time for my annual tradition of running from store to store, frantically scooping up last-minute gifts and party supplies for our big Glöggfest. (Glögg is the Swedish mulled wine we make every year, following the traditions of my Viking ancestors.)

BUT -- through the magic of the internet -- while I'm out panic shopping (truly an adrenaline rush), you can visit me at The Debutante Ball, where I'm talking about this fantastic book:

Speaking of which, I think I just had a great idea for some of those last minute gifts!

Hope you all have a wonderful holiday season, whatever you celebrate. See you on the other side!

Happy Humpidays!

2011-12-21T07:39:00.000-05:00

It's time for me to unveil my very favorite camels ever:

These were carved by TG's grandfather, Old Pap. (If you'd care to see more of Old Pap's carvings, you can look here.) We've had these camels forever, and always display them prominently at Christmas.

Okay, the one in the front isn't a camel. Obvi. It's a donkey with a rider. Somebody has to lead those camels around.

And that's a brass and crystal Nativity scene on the humidor behind the camels. In case you couldn't tell.

(No, I didn't put away the humidor for Christmas. Yes, I'm lazy.)

Oh, and that's not a real guitar. It's the miniature one I got TG one Christmas to represent the guitar I was really giving him. I know nothing about guitars, and thought he should pick out his own, so I very cleverly wrapped the tiny one, thus keeping him guessing about his real gift until Christmas morning. I may have even *cough* implied it was socks. Which was mean* of me, yes, but that's just the way I roll. Mean, mean, mean Linda. It's possible you've noticed this about me.

*But not that mean. Really mean would have been if it had actually been socks. Like I'm getting him this year, in case he's reading this. Reindeer socks. With bells.

(Hi, sweetie! *waves angelically*)

Do you have any decorations you drag out year after year, for whatever holiday you celebrate?

Or, if you're feeling confessional, what's the meanest gift you ever got for or from someone?

A Little Nerd-mas Cheer

2011-12-19T09:00:00.000-05:00

I am a member of a family of nerds. Not only are we nerds, we are Proud Nerds!

We revel in our nerdiness, and often try to out-nerd each other. Star Wars, Star Trek, Lord of the Rings, video games -- you name it, some or all of us are into it.

So what does a nerdish family do together during the holiday season? Why, we alter the words the Christmas carols!

Here's one we worked on together the other night as we sat around the fire sipping adult beverages:

The Twelve Days of Christmas, Version Le Nerd

On the first day of Christmas my true nerd gave to me

A cartridge for my A-tar-iii.

On the second day of Christmas my true nerd gave to me

Two power gloves

And a cartridge for my A-ta-iii.

On the third day of Christmas my true nerd gave to me

Three laser pens

Two power gloves

And cartridge for my A-tar-iii.

On the fourth day of Christmas my true nerd gave to me

Four angry birds

(Etc.)

On the fifth day of Christmas my true nerd gave to me

Five ELV-ISH riiiings!

(Etc.)

On the sixth day of Christmas my true nerd gave to me

Six geeks a-playing

(Etc.)

On the seventh day of Christmas my true nerd gave to me
Seven Wookiees winning

(Etc.)

On the eighth day of Christmas my true nerd gave to me

Eight bards a-filking

(Etc.)

On the ninth day of Christmas my true nerd gave to me

Nine knights a-lancing

(yadda-yadda-yadda...)

On the tenth day of Christmas my true nerd gave to me

Ten Gollums creeping

(You know the drill...)

On the eleventh day of Christmas my true nerd gave to me
Eleven fanboys griping

(Um, yeah...)

On the twelfth day of Christmas my true love gave to me
Twelve warp-drives humming

Eleven fanboys griping,
Ten gollums creeping,
Nine Knights a-lancing,
Eight bards a-filking,
Seven Wookiees winning,
Six geeks a-playing,
Five ELV-ISH RINGS!
Four angry birds,
Three laser pens,
Two power gloves,
And a car-tridge for my A-TAR-III!!

Merry Nerdmas to All!

DETOUR!

2011-12-16T06:24:00.000-05:00

Click Here*

*If you want to read about my wardrobe malfunction. Yes, it's Friday again. I'm over at The Debutante Ball, and this week's topic is wardrobe malfunctions. Stop by and say hi. I promise there are no frightening pictures.

And now, if you'll excuse me for a little while, I have to go get ready for these guys:

Those are my grand-kitties, Vera and Valentine. They'll be here later today, and are going to spend the holidays with us. Oh, and they're bringing my daughter and son-in-law with them, which I think is rather nice of them. :)

Have a great weekend!

NAUGHTY or NICE?

2011-12-14T08:00:00.000-05:00

So, it's getting to be that time of year. The time for facing the consequences of a year's worth of behavior.

Yeah, the Big Guy in the Red Suit is watching, and he knows things.

Damn. It's enough to make you paranoid.

I, of course, have been an absolute angel.

Well, except for the drinking, eating junk when I really shouldn't, and the bad words.

Oh, and *cough* possibly some uncharitable thoughts about my fellow drivers and where I thought their final destination should be.

Perhaps embellished with a suggestion of what, er, "activity" they might enjoy once they got there. Explained with hand gestures. But, really, the hand gestures were just in case they didn't grasp my full meaning. Explaining things to the simple-minded is a kindness, right?

All right, all right. Maybe I wasn't precisely an "angel." Maybe I even deserve a few lumps of coal in my stocking. But you know what?

Totally worth it!

How about you? Are you on Santa's Nice List or his Naughty List?

(Like how I snuck that camel in there? Happy Hump Day!)

Mona-day

2011-12-12T10:14:00.000-05:00

If you can't think of anything intelligent to say, just smile enigmatically and make people wonder.

What was she thinking, do you suppose?

Personally, I believe it's something along the lines of, Damn it, Da Vinci, can you hurry the f*** up? I have to pee!

(Though probably not those exact words...)

But maybe I'm projecting onto her what I know I'd be thinking in her place.We're all guilty of that to a certain extent. I think. Then again, maybe I'm projecting...

Do ever project? And for the writers among you, do your characters ever project their own feelings, biases, etc., on other characters in your book?

I think (there I go thinking again!) the extent to which a character does or doesn't tend to project is one more tool a writer can use to add dimension to characterization.

Thoughts?

Privacy, Schmivacy...this is the Internet!

2011-12-09T08:28:00.000-05:00

Everything you put online is saved, somewhere, for posterity. If you send your pixelated words into cyberspace, they will be preserved, ever available somewhere in that vast virtuality, for a clever someone to stumble upon.

Those drunk tweets? Uh-huh. They are now archived at the Library of Congress. Betcha didn't know you were that important, huh? Just think, future generations of Internet Archaeologists might read your Merlot mad-cappery!

Rather chilling, huh? Try not to think about it too much. I'd hate for you to get so paralyzed at the idea of cyber immortality that you're unable to comment here.

Or *cough* at the Debutante Ball, where I'm discussing privacy issues in social media. (Um, that sounds rather dry, doesn't it? I promise it's not quite as dull as I've just made it sound. I hope.)

So, tell me, have you ever sent words into cyberspace that you long to call back? Do you sometimes wish fervently for this:

Come on, spill! Inquiring minds want to know. :D

Grumpy Humpy Day! (With camels. Of course.)

2011-12-07T08:18:00.000-05:00

Okay, everybody, sing along! It's the most wonderful time of the year...

Well, except when something ticks you off. Anyone else notice how quickly people can go from jolly

to Grinchy

in two seconds flat?

Especially in parking lots. Or store lines. Or at the post office.

Normally, I'm a pretty happy camel--er, woman. Yesterday, though, when TG and I were circling an extremely full parking garage, I noticed a car straddling the line between two parking places, obviously intentionally, taking up two spaces instead of one.

Now, it was a very fine car -- a Corvette, as a matter of fact -- and I can understand why the own wouldn't want to risk getting any dings in the paint from careless car-door-opening parking garage neighbors.

But DAY-AM, straddle-parkers!

Don't you know your risk of getting keyed for your inconsideration outweighs the chance of getting dinged? (Er, not that we *cough* did any such thing...)

Okay, so now you know one of my pet peeves. What about you? Anything get your blood up during this fine season? Any good tips on how to deal with it?

Return of the Verifictionary!

2011-12-05T08:31:00.000-05:00

While I was ~~slacking off~~ on my blogging break several of my regular readers hinted they might be missing their regular infusion of entries for the Verifictionary.

(If you don't know about the Verifictionary, go here for the deets. Oh, and try to ignore how pathetically comment-free that post is. I was using the Intense Debate commenting system then, and when it crashed it ate all my comments. *sob*)

Anyway, I tried to keep up with commenting on other blogs while taking a small break from my own, and I collected some more those formerly-annoying-but-now-loads-of-fun verification "words" that supposedly keep the spam-bots away.

gramize – What happens to a woman when her child has a baby. Ex: "Just because I've been gramized doesn't make me old!"

labloozi – When your retriever can't fetch the duck. Opposite of "labwinni."

outdoe – Proud lesbian deer.

outwish –What you do when you want your wish to be bigger and better than anyone else's.

pugstive – Feeling like a small, scrappy dog. Ex: "I'm feeling rather pugstive today, so don't cross me."

rodion – Kept moving while mounted. Ex: "I was ridin' my hoss and didn't want to stop, so I rodion."

sporb – Theoretical eating utensil. Similar to a spork, only spherical. (Though apparently, according to Wikipedia, "sporbs" are also creatures encountered by Samus in the Torvus Bog on Aether. I like my definition better.)

stsand –Patron saint of beach bunnies.

stskid –The patron saint of winter drivers.

vanitype – Bragging via a keyboard. Ex: "I couldn't stop myself from vanityping about my book deal."

versick – Really twisted poetry.

There you are! I'm open to alternate definitions if any happen to occur to you. Real words can have more than one meaning. Why shouldn't Verifictionary words?

Otherwise, how the heck have you been doing? All is well in your world, I hope. :)

Quantum Ex"Q"ses.

2011-12-02T08:50:00.000-05:00

Happy December! (I know. I'm a little late. It sort of snuck up on me.)

I was going to have a real blog post for you here today, but then it got to be today a lot faster than I anticipated it would. Funny how time speeds up around November/December every year.

I suspect it something to do with quantum mechanics. Or quantum physics. Or quantum holidays...one of the quantums, anyway.

Speaking of Q-words, we've been blogging about queries all week over at the Debutante Ball. If you'd like to see my take on what not to do, click here.

(By the way, have I told you how "Q"-t you look today? I love what you've done to your hair.)

So, how's time rolling along for you? Fast? Slow? Same as always?

Black Friday at the Ball

2011-11-25T09:14:00.000-05:00

Hi, y'all!

Hope all of you who celebrate had a lovely Thanksgiving, full of delicious things to eat and drink. I know I did. *groan* I'm still full.

Anyway, this being Friday, I'm over at The Debutante Ball. NOT out shopping in the Black Friday madness, which is yet another point of gratitude in my life.

Drop by the Ball (just clicky-clicky the link upstream) and say hi if you get a chance. :)

Batter Up!

2011-11-18T05:52:00.000-05:00

It's Friday -- time to play Ball!

Okay, that's my dorky way of saying I'm over at The Debutante Ball today. (That's right. My blogging break doesn't include the Ball. No real rest for the wicked. *grin*)

Anyway, this week we're talking about when family and friends read our books. IOW, scary stuff!

If you have a minute, please stop by and weigh in on how you feel about your family and/or friends reading your work. Or, yannoh, just say hi. I like it when you do that. :)

I'm not really here, so let's rub some bellies!

2011-11-14T06:45:00.000-05:00

I'm still playing with my imaginary people. I figure as long as everyone else in busy "NaNo-ing," I can keep "NotNo-ing."

But since you were nice enough to stop by today, here's a picture of my daughter's cat:

Doesn't she look comfy? Yes, she does like to have her belly rubbed.

Sometimes.

But not always. It's a crapshoot, really, and God help your hand if you gauge her mood poorly.

Do you have a cat? Or a dog? Possibly a ferret or a bird? Rabbit? Do they like to have their bellies rubbed?

Do you like to have your belly rubbed?

(Wait...is that too personal? Should I not have asked that? Feel free to reprimand me in the comments.)

What's the Rush?

2011-11-11T06:17:00.001-05:00

[I know I'm officially on a blog break right now, but I had previously promised to help Jessica with her Amazon Chart Rush today, so I scheduled this. If it looks like something you'd enjoy reading, today would be a great time to buy it. No pressure. *grin* Oh, and if you still want a Linda fix, I'm over at The Debutante Ball today, blogging about glögg and pink hair. Stop by if you get a chance.]

Today is THE day to help Jessica Bell's debut, STRING BRIDGE, hit
the bestseller list on Amazon, and receive the all-original soundtrack, Melody Hill: On the Other Side, written and performed by the author herself, for free!

All you have to do is purchase the book today (paperback, or eBook), November 11th, and then email the receipt to:

jessica.carmen.bell(at)gmail(dot)com

She will then email you a link to download the album at no extra cost!

To purchase the paperback:

Amazon USA

To purchase the eBook:

Amazon USA

Amazon UK

To listen to samples of the soundtrack, visit iTunes.

If you are
not familiar with String Bridge,
check out the book trailer:

Rave Reviews for String Bridge:

“Jessica Bell’s STRING BRIDGE strummed the fret of my veins, thrummed my blood into a mad rush, played me taut until the final page, yet with echoes still reverberating. A rhythmic debut with metrical tones of heavied dark, fleeting prisms of light, and finally, a burst of joy—just as with any good song, my hopeful heartbeat kept tempo with Bell’s narrative.” ~ Kathryn Magendie, author of Sweetie and Publishing Editor of Rose & Thorn Journal

“Poet and musician Jessica Bell's debut novel String Bridge is a rich exploration of desire, guilt, and the difficult balancing act of the modern woman. The writing is lyrical throughout, seamlessly integrating setting, character and plot in a musical structure that allows the reader to identify with Melody's growing insecurity as her world begins to unravel … String Bridge is a powerful debut from a promising writer, full of music, metaphor, and just a hint of magic.” ~ Magdalena Ball, author of Repulsion Thrust and Sleep Before Evening

“Jessica Bell is a brilliant writer of great skill and depth. She doesn't pull back from the difficult scenes, from conflict, pain, intensity. She puts it all out there, no holds barred, no holding back. She knows how to craft a scene, how to develop character, how to create suspense. This is an absolutely brilliant debut novel. I look forward to reading her next novel, and next and next.” ~ Karen Jones Gowen, author of Farm Girl, Uncut Diamonds and House of Diamonds

Connect with Jessica:

String Bridge: http://www.stringbridge.com/

Goodreads: http://www.goodreads.com/jessica_bell

Website: http://www.jessicacbell.com/

Blog: http://thealliterativeallomorph.blogspot.com/

Facebook: http://www.facebook.com/author.jessica.bell

Twitter: http://www.twitter.com/MsBessieBell

Publisher: http://www.luckypress.com

If you'd like to help Jessica out,

Please TWEET and/or FACEBOOK this post using #StringBridge!

Hope you all have a great weekend. :)

I'm Getting a Real Charge Out of This...

2011-11-07T07:17:00.000-05:00

So, I'm thinking November is the ideal time to take a break from my regular blogging schedule, what with everyone being so caught up in the whole NaNoWriMo thing. Heck, I figure y'all will appreciate the break from me.

Plus, I'll get to recharge the ol' blogging batteries.

I have a few special posts lined up, and I may pop in randomly from time to time.

AND I'll still be at The Debutante Ball every Friday, so don't think you're getting off scot-free. *grin*

The thing is, social networking, while all kinds of fun, takes a huge chunk of time. I've been neglecting my fictional world. I miss getting lost in it.

You'll still be seeing me around. Just not quite as much here for a while.

What about you guys? Do you ever take a break? Or do you power through, come hell or high water?

Fearsome Friday!

2011-11-04T06:22:00.000-04:00

What are you afraid of?

We're discussing writing fears over at the Debutante Ball this week. I'll show you mine if you show me yours. Come on over and 'fess to your biggest -- or littlest -- fears!

Happy Friday! Hope you have a wonderful weekend. :)

A Special Hump Day Guest Interview with Lynne Sears Williams, Author of THE COMRADES

2011-11-02T06:12:00.000-04:00

Welcome to a special medieval edition of Hump Day.

Today I'm interviewing a friend of mine, Lynne Sears Williams. Lynne and I go way back. Waaay back. Not quite to medieval times, but close enough. We hung together over at the Compuserve Books and Writers Community back in the proverbial Day, and often critiqued each other's work. I'd read chapters of The Comrades, and she'd read chapters of my drawer novel, Catspaw. (Not sure you you'll ever see Catspaw. It needs to marinate in the drawer a little longer. Maybe forever.) And then we'd tell each other what worked and what sucked.

Frankly, the only thing that ever sucked about The Comrades was how long it took Lynne to finish writing it. I'm not known for my *cough* patience when it comes to reading stuff I love.

A little about Lynne in her own words:

I was born on a street that had only ten houses; four kids went to law school. Clearly, the water was contaminated.

In my 2nd year of law school, I saw the school 'playboy' carrying a large fantasy novel. I made certain my wedding ring flashed protective bolts of lightning, then spoke with him. How did he find time for 'free reading?' "If I didn't read something that wasn't law, I'd lose my mind." Color me amazed, he had a point that didn't include hitting on me! When I got home, I picked up the first book I saw (Tolkien) read for a while, then fell asleep.

I was promptly transported into a dream where there was a great-looking guy and a beautiful woman, with cold wind blowing in from an ocean. As the days went by, each time I closed my eyes, it was like watching a movie as the characters became real. Evan was a king, the woman's name was Morleyna and I *knew* a grudge separated the two kingdoms. (Later, as I researched, I discovered the latter fact was true.)

I gave up trying to understand the Tort Contract Matrix during an honors lecture. On the page where I was supposed to write Brilliant Notes, I decided to draw a map of the country I'd seen. A mountain range *here* a different kingdom *there* and when I got home, I opened an encyclopedia. I'd drawn a map of Wales. A laptop appeared and a story was born.

I worked as a freelance journalist for the Canadian and American Medical Association's Journals. Canadian law professor J. Chris Levy and I co-authored a legal article published by The Alberta Law Review. I finished my law degree at the University of Madison, Wisconsin and interned at Districts 4's Madison Court of Appeal for my final semester. Then I began to specialize; Wales in the 9th Century had a *different* code of laws. I began to write The Comrades, a story about love, war and mysticism.

My thanks to everyone who helped a journalist become an author, with particular gratitude to a playboy who started it all.

I can't tell you how long I've waited for Lynne to finish this book, just so I could see what freakin' happened. (I can't tell you, because she might kill me. Let's just leave it at "a while.") I totally fell in love with her Welshmen. Her hero, Evan, naturally. He's totally swoon-worthy. But mostly his cousin Gareth, naughty, naughty Gareth. *sighs dreamily*

Anyway, Lynne has agreed to be interviewed here on my humble blog.

1. Why Wales? And why the 8th century?

I didn't choose the country. The characters abducted me at knife point, tossed a laptop at me and said "Write!" After I began seeing characters as if I was watching a movie, I decided to go along with it. The 8th Century gave me access to other notable people; Charlemagne, Kenneth MacAlpin, the first king of Scotland, and King Alfred the Great of England. It also provided Celtic law, Danes and Vikings.

2. Why did you change the title from your working title of POWYS? Were you afraid potential readers wouldn't know what a "Powys" was?

Exactly right!

[Hint from Linda: Powys is a place, not a thing.]

3. Morleyna seems to be to a creature of dichotomies. Innocence/worldly wisdom, biddable/rebellious, timidly nonthreatening/scarily intimidating. Intentional, or did she just spring forth that way?

I had no control over her at all, which is confirmed by most of the other characters.

4. I love the character "Aunt." Did you base her on anyone in your real life?

Aunt is who she is. Sometimes she's sweet and very kind but she can be as mean as a dragon. I like the way she reacts to everything, whether telling her nephew that he should dry his hair after a rainstorm or wading into an argument in the courtyard. Her views on getting married or flicking a cloth at invisible dust make me smile.

5. You weave historical detail into the novel seamlessly. It's obvious you really know your 8th-century Wales! So, was it tough to resist the urge to info-dump?

Not really. It was difficult to edit a long book into a smaller one. Sometimes things are interesting but not necessary. A writer once coined the phrase 'killing your darlings.' In other word, edit, edit and edit. Rinse. Repeat.

6. Can you briefly describe your writing process? Do you plot and outline, or do you wing it?

Wings. I can't plot to save my life. It enables the characters to decide what will happen next. This resulted in one chapter being titled as 'Surprise!' because I had no clue it was waiting to be written. It was, so I typed till we were finished. Sometimes I was astonished at who wanted to talk that day. I see every character as if they are real because at the end of the day...they are.

7. Finally, do you have any semi-naked pictures of Gareth for me? (Okay, probably not an appropriate interview question, but, hey, this is me. I had to give it a shot!)

Yes, I do have a picture of Gareth with no clothes. He says come and get it.

[Linda is fanning herself now.]

Thank you for the interview, Linda! I look forward to reading your novel.

Thanks for being here with us today, Lynne!

For those of you interested in historical fiction 8th-century Wales, and a roaring great story, here's a cool book trailer for The Comrades:

You can read more about The Comrades at the publisher's website: Heart Ally Books. It's also available at Amazon and Barnes & Noble. Yes, it comes in both trade paper and in e-book formats! (I have both.) Well worth the read, and I'm not saying that because Lynne is my friend. That part is just fortunate happenstance.

Obligatory end of blog post questions:

Have you ever been to Wales?

Have you ever seen a whale in person?

What makes you wail?

Take your pick, or answer all three. Or, yanno, say anything about anything at all in the whole post. I'm not picky, and neither is Lynne.

Hope You Have a Howlingly Happy Halloween!

2011-10-31T06:01:00.000-04:00

In honor of Halloween, I give you...

(drum roll, please)

...the PERFECT MAN:

Yes, as a matter of fact, he IS made of chocolate.

Oh, and if you get a chance go check out my agent's new blog. Welcome to the blogosphere, Michelle! Go, Wolf Pack!

Happy Halloween, y'all! May your day be full of fun and sweet things to eat.

Deb Dancing, with a Side of Verifictionary

2011-10-28T06:52:00.000-04:00

Yeah, I'm sailing around the dance floor over at the Debutante Ball today. Sorry, no half-naked man candy pics there this week.

(Oh, great, Linda. Way to sell it. TGIF anyway, right? Come on, right?)

HOWEVER, this week we are discussing the hardest scenes we ever had to write. *BLINK*

I know! Heh-heh. "Hardest." Tough to resist an opening like that. One click on that Deb link, and you can see where I went with it. *waggles eyebrows*

But just so you don't feel like you wasted your stop here, how about a few entries for the Verifictionary? (That's my ongoing compilation of verification "words" gathered while commenting on other blogs. For a better explanation, clicky-clicky that link.)

gonstabi -- A level of anger involving cutlery. Example: "I tried to calm her down after boyfriend answered her truthfully when she asked if her pants made her butt look big, but she'd already gonstabi."

proose -- Describes writing that would benefit from some judicious tightening.

So, do you ever have trouble with proose writing?

Or, you can tell me something that irks you (proose writing, perhaps?), and about which you've gonstabi.

Have a great weekend, y'all! :)

Humpy Halloween!

2011-10-26T06:50:00.000-04:00

Trying to decide what TG and I should dress up as for Halloween.

I've narrowed it down to this:

This:

Or this:

(Are you sensing a theme here?)

Which one do you like best?

Okay, to be scrupulously honest here, we probably won't do any of those. Because, hey, they all look like work. Now that our kids are grown, there's only so much work we're willing to put into Halloween.

I'll buy tons of candy, yes. Well in advance, just *cough* in case the stores run out before the big day.

I'll put out the plastic Jack o'lantern with the stick-and-press light in it, and stay home, watching silly TV, jumping up every few minutes to give handfuls of choclate-y goodness to a fresh round of trick-or-treaters. (TG, when he doesn't have a show, participates in this activity with me, making it much more enjoyable. Plus, he helps keep me honest about how much candy I scarf down between little ghosts and Lady Gagas.)

I'll ooh and aah over visitors under five, heap tons of praise on any costume that looks homemade, and grudgingly give older teenagers one piece of hard candy each. (I mean, really, don't they have better things to do with their time? A party, maybe?)

Then, at about 9:30, I'll haul in the Jack o'lantern, turn off the porch light, and call it a night, gleefully eyeing the leftover candy, because (oops!) I will have over-bought again. Huh. You'd think I'd learn to estimate better.

Do you celebrate Halloween? Any special traditions?

Oh, and you can still help me pick out a camel costume. TG will be home this year, and who knows? We may get motivated.

Everybody PANIC!

2011-10-24T06:50:00.000-04:00

...so I don't have to do it alone.

Yes, I woke up this morning, after an extremely hectic weekend, and realized I didn't have a blog post written.

I tried pushing this:

But it didn't work.

No matter how hard I jabbed it.

Then I found this:

Sounds like good advice to me.

Two questions for you today. (You can answer either one. Or both. Or neither. But I'd really love it if you answered at least one of them, because then I'd feel less, yanno, panicky about screwing up this blog post.)

1. What makes you panic?

2. What's your favorite procrastination activity?

Fan Yourself Friday

2011-10-21T08:07:00.000-04:00

We're discussing publishing myths over at The Debutante Ball this week. So, naturally, I found a way to bring cabana boys into it.

If you stop by there to say hi, bring this:

You might need it. ;)

After you're done there, tell me which one of my, um, "options" you like best. Or maybe you have an of your own to suggest?

It's Hump Day, and I got nothin' for you but this big orange camel...

2011-10-19T07:39:00.000-04:00

Thanks to all of you who told me your lovely home remedies for my sore throat and cough, which has now morphed to include nose, lungs and sinus cavities. More than a cold, less than the flu. I'm calling it "The Crud."

(Er, not that I'm blaming your home remedies. I'm sure, if I'd had the wherewithal to employ them properly instead of just staring at them on the computer screen like a zombie, they would have worked brilliantly.)

Alas, I wound up at the doctor instead, who prescribed me some very strong (and honkin' HUGE) antibiotic pills. I'm sure I'll be back to my healthy, wise-cracking self in no time.

Or maybe I'll just crawl into a cave somewhere until I expire. Bleah.

BUT, I wouldn't want to leave you without something fun to look at while I'm expiring in my cave, so here:

So, let's see...a question. Um, do you prefer plain tissues or the super-soft kind with lotion in them?

Know what's worse than Monday?

2011-10-17T07:33:00.000-04:00

Ugh. Sick. Sorry, cannot be clever today. My clever is broken.

But I do want to say welcome -- and thanks -- to all of you who've added me to your blog rolls!

And if you have any good home remedies for sore throats and coughs, I'm all ears. Bonus points if they involve a good, stiff belt of something suitably numbing.

Balls and Calls and Pumpkins, Oh My!

2011-10-14T08:07:00.000-04:00

If it's Friday, I must be over at The Debutante Ball!

Today I'm talking about The Call. It's more painful than you might guess. So if you absolutely can't go into the weekend without a Linda fix, head on over there and read all about how "IT" happened.

But just so you don't feel like you wasted your stop here, how about a nice October giggle before you go:

So, have you decorated for Halloween yet?

Burning Hump Day Question, aka "Floaters or Sinkers?"

2011-10-12T06:34:00.002-04:00

Camels are known as "ships of the desert."

(Come on. You knew I was going to get a camel or ten in here somewhere. For Pete's sake, it's Hump Day!)

Poor camels.

Anyway, while searching for a camel-related topic for this Hump Day, the whole "ship of the desert" thing got me thinking about boats, which in turn led me to another common phrase: "Whatever floats your boat." (See? This is how my mind works -- skipping merrily from one random thought to another.)

I started tallying up things that float my boat. Here are a few, in no particular order:

Hot cocoa on a cold day. Bonus points if it has whipped cream.
The crunch of leaves under my feet. Only not indoors.
An extra cherry in my Manhattan.
Writing my way out of a corner I've written myself into.
Any happy news from one of my kiddos.
A smile from TG.
Finding a pair of shoes that not only fits, but also looks good.
Ditto for jeans.
Good news from my agent.
Ditto for editor.

In the interest of balance, here a few things guaranteed to sink my boat (again, in no particular order):

@sshat drivers.
Sick kiddos.
Leaky basements.
Too much snow; i.e., measurable in feet instead of inches.
Artificial sweeteners.
Not enough sleep.
Politics.

More could be added to each of my lists, but I didn't want to overwhelm you with my floaters and sinkers. You get the gist.

So, what floats and/or sinks your boat?

Me and Ben and Home-Brewing

2011-10-10T08:25:00.000-04:00

So, you're not getting much of a blog post today because yesterday was spent in the company of some home-brewers. It would have been rude not to sample their wares.

And I cannot abide rudeness, not in others, and especially not in myself.

With that said, I'll leave you with a quote attributed to my favorite founding father:

Who am I to argue with Ben?

So, do you like beer? Ale, lager, stout, porter...do you have a preference? A favorite brand?

Oh, and in a *cough* completely unrelated topic...any tried-and-true hangover remedies?

P.S. Sometime during the party, a very nice lady got out her smart phone and showed us all a picture of a potato from her garden. For some reason, I insisted she email it me right away.

It's not as impressive as my gourd from the other day, but it's still cute. ;)

On Bourbon, Boobs, and Beads (Trust me, there's a connection.)

2011-10-07T07:42:00.000-04:00

It's Deb Erika's Debut Week over at The Debutante Ball.

Come on over for a chance to win her deliciously rich novel, Little Gale Gumbo.

But as long as you're here, tell me...have you ever been to New Orleans?

I haven't. Not yet.

I know! Weird, huh? Seems like Mardi Gras would be just my cup of...well, something pleasantly alcoholic, doesn't it? But alas. It just hasn't happened yet.

I do, however, have tons of those plastic beads.* That must be almost as good as going, right?

Okay, maybe not.

So, if you've been to New Orleans, what did you like best? (I'll bet the food is high on your list.)

If you haven't been, do you ever plan on going?

*No, I didn't get them by flashing my boobs. I told you, I've never even been to Bourbon Street. Though I do like the name.

Hump Day Confidential

2011-10-05T08:17:00.000-04:00

Secrets.

Everybody has them. Little, big, silly, horrifying -- they lurk in all our hearts.

Some people, I'm sure, will swear they have no secrets. But they're lying. To themselves, if not you.

Sharing secrets with someone is the highest form of trust. (Or idiocy. Take your pick.)

Our characters have secrets, too. Sometimes we share them with the readers, but not always. I know some pretty juicy stuff about my major characters that I'm not sure will ever come out in the book(s). And that's okay. It informs their actions, makes them who they are, and that's enough. If I can ever use the secrets in a "big reveal," so much the better, but they already serve their purpose.

Hmm. But I wonder if revealing their secrets might deflate them in some way. Make them hollow. Balloon characters instead of the real people they seem (to me) to be now. I must ponder this more before I release any cats.

So, what's your take on secrets? Do they annoy you or pique your interest?

Do you have secrets? If you're a writer, do your characters have them?

Oh, and a brief cautionary message, if you're considering revealing any of your own secrets:

Just make sure you're telling your secrets to the right person... ;)

And the wiener is...!

2011-10-03T07:15:00.000-04:00

You know, some women have to settle for getting flowers from their significant others, and then only on special occasions. But not me. Nope, my TG knows the best way to worm his way into my heart is via my funny bone, so he brought home this for me instead...

...just because he knew it would make me laugh. Plus, gourds are seasonal. Who doesn't need a good seasonal laugh? (I'm thinking of putting a knee-high stocking on it, and seeing if I can make visitors blush. Then again, my in-laws might come over unexpectedly, so maybe not.)

TG's gift inspired a visit from my muse's evil, limerick-spinning twin, who planted this in my brain:

There once was a gander, so fine,
Who saw a watermelon stuck to a vine.
It was lust at first sight--
So he goosed it all night--
And the result is apparently mine.

Okay, okay...enough about my peni--er, goose gourd. On to what you're really waiting for!

Thank you all so much for cracking me up with your entries to the Angry Camel Caption Contest! They really got me giggling. So much so that I had to ask TG to help me decide the wiener...er, I mean, winner.

We both zeroed in immediately (and, knowing us, unsurprisingly) on...

*drum roll*

"I don't care WHO Catherine the Great is! I'm not in the mood!"

Dianne, if you'll email me your address [linda(dot)grimes(at)gmail(dot)com], I'll send you your prize, which is not only dumb, and edible, but also in keeping with the October Halloween season.

Why, YES! That is a glow-in-dark Jack-o-lantern Pez dispenser (complete with Pez candy) and a package of ghost Peeps!*

Dianne, you lucky so-and-so, do realize how jealous all those other entrants are now? I know! It's tough to envision the extent of their envy.

Oh, and since conventional blogging wisdom dictates one should always end a post with a question or two for the readers:

How do you like my gourd? Do you have a gourd, too?

Bonus third question: Is your gourd bigger than my gourd?

*Dying plant included in pic only for atmosphere, and not part of the Pez/Peeps Prize Package.

Under the Covers with a Naughty Book

2011-09-30T07:47:00.000-04:00

Is there anything better than reading a naughty book, with a flashlight, while burrowing under the covers?

Wait, I know! Reading a naughty book, with a flashlight, burrowing under the covers, while eating chocolate! Ding, ding, ding...we have a winner!

For more of my take on this monumentally important topic, see my post over at The Debutante Ball today.

(I know. What a cop out. But my characters are cracking the WIP, and I must pay some attention to them, too. Can't have them getting jealous of my blogging time. It makes them act out in a most inappropriate way.)

If you're a writer, and have a minute, tell me what your characters do if they get upset with you. Pout? Sulk? Go crazy? Shoot all the other characters and leave you with no one left to finish your book?

If you're a reader...um, go check out my Deb post. Of course, you're welcome to say hi here, too. And on Twitter. I love seeing you everywhere. :)

P.S. There's still time to enter the Camel Caption Contest from Wednesday. Remember, you can enter as often as you like!

What's more fun than Angry Birds? Angry Camels!

2011-09-28T07:56:00.000-04:00

A camel picture in search of a caption:

Best one wins one of my legendary dumb and/or edible prizes.

Contest closes Sunday, Oct. 2, at midnight. East Coast time.

Come on, don't be bashful. Really, I'm very easily entertained. Any old caption will do. And you can enter as often as you like -- I never get tired of reading captions. Or of being entertained. Enter early, enter often!

That's what she said... (*ahem* Sorry. Couldn't resist.)

Happy Hump Day!

Banned Books Week, a Guest Post by TG

2011-09-26T08:00:00.000-04:00

I'm a little busy following a hot idea down a plot trail in my current WIP, so I asked TG if he'd mind filling in for me today. Since he's a total sweetie-pie, he agreed.

Take it away, TG!

Greetings, fellow Linda-philes. I am honored, and more than a little bit humbled, to be able to leave my mark in the corner of my soul mate’s cyberspace sanctum sanctorum. I am told that this is “Band Books Week” and that I should limit my ramblings to Band Books. Well, music lovers, you are in luck. Having spent the past thirty years producing, mixing, and recording live music, this is a subject near and dear to my heart.

Over the years, I have acquired a few Band Books, Here (in no particular order) are some of my favorites:

The Best Fake Book Ever, by the Hal-Leonard Corporation. Chords and lyrics to over 1000 songs for those times when you are asked to play something your band hasn't rehearsed and has no intention of ever rehearsing. It is a good collection of well-known tunes, but I think the title really should be “The Best Fake Book For Now” to allow for future improvement.

X-Ray;The Unauthorized Autobiography, by Ray Davies, the legendary front-man of The Kinks. Interesting read from a member of the “if you can remember it, you weren't there” generation. I mostly like it because Ray gave me a signed copy after the show.

The Beatles Unseen Archive, compiled by Tim Hill and Marie Clayton. Duh! It's The Beatles. Also, if you can still make money off a band that hasn't been together for more than thirty years, go for it.

The Musician's Guide to the Road-A Survival Handbook & All-Access Backstage Pass to Touring, by Susan Voelz. Susan, a classical violinist, wrote this book about her time touring with Texas Roots Rocker, Alejandro Escovedo. Fun and useful read for anybody remotely connected to the business. After all, what could be more important than knowing the correct bathroom etiquette while riding in a rock 'n roll tour bus?

In closing, all these books... Wait. Linda is trying to talk to me... What?! Banned Books? Well, that is something entirely different. I don't believe in them.

Me and Carly, Rockin' the An-ti-ci-pay-ay-tion...!

2011-09-23T07:32:00.000-04:00

To forestall the possibility of y'all getting Too Much o' Linda, today I'm just going to link over to my post at The Debutante Ball, where you can read my take on "Anticipation."

What's that you say? You want content here, too?

Okay, take it away, Carly!

Hmm. I wonder if she anticipated how those shoulder pads would look a couple of decades later?

Why Etiding is Improtant

2011-09-21T07:41:00.000-04:00

Dear Canada:

That is not a deer.

Sincerely,
Linda G.

So, have you ever had an OMG editing moment of your own? One you didn't discover until it was too late to fix? Maybe in an email or a manuscript, after you hit "send"?

(Geez, whoever eventually invents the "unsend" button is going to be a freaking gazillionaire.)

Help! My Bookshelf Has PMS!

2011-09-19T08:10:00.000-04:00

Austen, King, Evanovich, Clavell, Coben, Crusie, Gabaldon...honestly, its mood swings are more jarring than a teenage girl's in prom season. Just looking at it makes me crave chocolate. Then chips. And maybe cry a little. Sometimes a zit appears on my chin...

Okay, that may be carrying the metaphor too far, but books do have moods. A certain feel to them. Their "atmosphere." Some are happy-go-lucky, some are dark and brooding, some are mysterious (and not just the mysteries, either). There are books where the mood is akin to a kegger at a frat house, and others that would make a funeral seem like a lighthearted occasion.

But you guys know that already.

What I'm curious about is how you choose which kind of book you want to read at any given time. Do you try to match whatever mood you're in? Or do you try to counterbalance it with something different?

I mean, if you're feeling down in the dumps, do you choose a happy book in the hopes it will cheer you up? Or do you choose something that reflects your somber mood, and just wallow a bit?

Personally, I tend to be a mood matcher. Not always -- if I'm feeling anxious about something, I don't like to read an anxiety-producing book, for instance. No Stephen King for me when I'm worried. But if I'm brooding about something, I might choose something with a Gothic setting. Wuthering Heights, Jane Eyre, Rebecca...they just seems to fit.

If I'm angry, a good kickass dark urban fantasy is just the ticket. (What? It's cathartic.) Vicki Petterrson's Signs of the Zodiac series always works well.

And nothing beats a good rom-com when I'm feeling happy and in the mood to giggle (Tawna Fenske's Making Waves, anyone? Which, btw, is also good if you're in another kind of mood. *waggles eyebrows*)

So, what are you reading now? (Well, not NOW now -- I know you're reading my blog right now. Maybe I should ask what's on your nightstand. Books, I mean, not any of that personal stuff, like...oh, never mind. You know what I mean.)

Does what you're reading reflect how you're feeling?

Formally Yours, a Rerun (aka, What Hairy Legs Have To Do with Manuscripts)

2011-09-16T07:03:00.000-04:00

It's that time of year again! Yup, time for me to get gussied up and go to the Ball!

No, not The Debutante Ball. Though I am there today, too, talking about my favorite characters, and I'd love for you to stop by. No pictures of me in the shower this week, I promise.

But in this case I'm talking about the big fundraising Ball TG's employer throws every year to raise money for the arts. Specifically, the arts that provide TG with a job and a paycheck. (Rah, rah, rah! Support the Arts!)

Since I've been having one of THOSE weeks (UBER busy!), I'm going to rerun my Ball blog post from last year. (Hey, I have to put up with a rerun of the big dance. I'm just, um, paying it forward.)

If you don't want to read it again, you can, yannoh, go check out my new material at the other Ball. ;)

From Sept. 24 of last year:

Don't send your ms out with hairy legs

Let's talk about personal grooming.

(What? It's an important issue.)

I like to think of myself as a clean person. I shower. I brush my teeth. I depilate* on a regular basis. I wear clean clothes most of the time, and always remember to change my underwear, in case I get hit by a truck, because lord knows I wouldn't want to mortify my mother if the docs in the ER were to speculate I might be wearing less-than-fresh panties**.

On any given day, if, say, a surprise guest showed up on my doorstep, I would not present an absolutely appalling picture. (Unless examined very closely or in harsh sunlight, of course. Then all bets are off.) But I certainly don't take the time to go through every single grooming ritual on a daily basis. I mean, I do have a life. Things to do, don'tcha know.

You're reading one of those things right now. But, in case you're wondering, I will be shaving my legs this morning. And my pits. And I'll even buff my heels with one of these:

Because tonight I'm playing Cinderella and going to The Ball with TG--a job-related, highly formal event, wherein the foundation he works for seduces money out of rich people who happen to be patrons of the arts (and we love each and every one of their generous hearts, yes we do!). It's a special occasion, so I'm trying harder than usual.

[BTW, those aren't my feet. I thought you should know, in case you're a closet foot fetishist, and might be tempted to develop a crush on me based upon an unrealistic image.

Not that my own feet are awful. I mean, I use the dry-skin-grater-offer thingamajig and a special lotion and everything. I even have peachy-pink toenails. I just don't have a picture of me using the thingamajig, because, frankly, TG thinks it's pretty gross, and wouldn't play photographer for me. Not that he doesn't appreciate the fruits of my labors, even if he isn't a foot fetishist. Who doesn't enjoy a smooth foot? He just doesn't want to watch me do it. You might even say it grates on him. (Uh, sorry.)]

You are by now probably thinking, what in the HELL is Linda getting at with all this nonsense? (Isn't it amazing how psychic I am? Honestly, it's a gift.) Well, I'll tell ya.

*Ahem* Personal grooming is not unlike what we do with our writing when we revise. When we edit and tweak, plump it up and pare it down, it's kind of like washing and shampooing and plucking and shaving. All that stuff we do to put the finishing touches on a manuscript before we send it out into the world?

It's hygiene for our writing.

A lot of writing is akin to the everyday grooming basics--don't sweat it, it's fine as long as it doesn't stink. Just get the words down, relax, and call it done.

But some writing is like going to The Ball--you want it to be as polished as possible before unveiling it to the world. Like before you send it out to an agent or editor. Now, nobody--and no manuscript--is ever perfect. Some probably have an inborn radiance, sure, but hell's bells, even Angelina Jolie looks better with a little make-up, right? And she probably smells as bad as anyone else if she doesn't take a shower. The thing is, you work with what you've got, and you try set it off to its best advantage.

All I'm saying is, some occasions call for a little more effort***, whether you're dressing up you or your manuscript. Just something to think about...while I go grate my heels, tweak my brows, and figure out which uncomfortable pair of shoes I'm going to dance in tonight.

*depilate: to remove hair from the body.

**Though if I get hit by a bus, the state of my underwear would probably undergo a sudden and drastic change. If you get my drift. So what does it really matter?

***Sadly, I'm afraid I didn't shave this post's legs. Sorry, but I was pressed for time. You understand, don't you?

Special Guest: Elise Skidmore

2011-09-14T08:00:00.000-04:00

I know you've come to expect a camel post from me on Hump Day, but this week I have something even better: an interview with someone who's helped me over a lot of humps in my writing life. (Heh-heh. Bet you didn't see that tie-in coming.)

Don't worry. You'll still get your camel pic, too -- at the end of the post.

I've known Elise Skidmore for years, and consider her a close friend, though we've never met in person. It's odd to think of that, really...how can you be friends with someone you've never even seen in person? Well, you start by meeting online at website for writers (Books and Writers Community, though it was still called the Compuserve Writers Forum back then) and you chat. The chat leads to banter, and a whole lot of writing exercises, and before you know it you've made a writing buddy for life.

Elise is one of my beta readers, and her belief in me has never wobbled. From the time I first started sending her my feeble attempts at prose, she always said "when you're published...," never "if." Told me she had a "feeling" about it.

Frankly, I used to think she was full of...um, let's say "it," shall we? since it rhymes...when she made assumptions like that. But it turns out she was right. Also, that she's not above saying "I told you so." But good friends are allowed to do that.

One thing I've always envied about Elise over the years is her gift with poetry. She can take a handful of simple words and mold them into images that pluck out a melody on your heartstrings. (See there? That metaphor just proves I suck at it. *envy, envy, envy*)

So now Elise has a beautiful book of poetry out, called Poems from the Edge of Spring, and I get to interview her, which is a true pleasure.

(BTW, isn't the cover gorgeous? Trust me, what's inside is even better.)

Q: You've written poetry for as long as I've know you. Why poetry, why a book, and why now?

A: I have been writing poetry since I was a kid. It's always been a way of putting feeling thoughts and feelings into perspective, even though I was very shy about sharing what I'd written for a very long time. I think, like most writers, I lacked confidence. Poetry is very personal to me, much more so than prose, so I worried about what other people would think and how it would reflect on me, in much the same way a parent feels their child's actions reflect on them. While I believe the way poetry is taught in school makes most people shy away from it, I have to thank my 8th grade English teacher, Miss Jarmol, for introducing me to two of my favorite poets, T. S. Eliot and Edna St. Vincent Millay. They brought emotion and story to life in their poetry, sometimes with only a single line or image. Not that I think I'm anywhere close to their brilliance, but I love finding those tantalizing words or phrases that spark the idea for a poem brewing. Sometimes they'll follow me for days before the spark kindles, but it's a wonderful feeling when it does.

So that's why poetry. As for why a book and why now, well... Over the last 17 years I've been involved with online writing groups and made friends with some very talented poets from all over the world. Having poets whose work I admire and respect praise my poetry (as well as offer constructive criticism when it was needed) led me to believe that there might be a wider audience out there who would appreciate what I had to say. For years those poetic friends have urged me to put together a chapter book, but it's a sad truth that even famous poets don't make much money for publishers. So other than marketing a single poem here or there, the only way to have a poetry published is to self-publish, which has its own stigma to it, not to mention, expense.

Then last April, I completed a "poem a day" challenge, which yielded what I thought was some of my best work, and was again encouraged to make it available to a wider audience. Coincidentally, another long-time friend, Lisa Norman, had just started a small press publishing company called Heart Ally Books. With the recent increased popularity of e-books, she suggested we try e-publishing first, and if it worked out, we could do print later. For me, it's never been about making money from poetry, it's about getting the poems out there to as many readers as possible, and this seemed like the most cost effective way to do that.

Q: The table of contents lists the poems in order by date. Did you really write each poem on the corresponding days?

A: The answer is yes and no. Let me begin by saying that titles are my nemesis, whether we're talking prose or poetry. A great title strikes a chord that stays with you long after you've finished reading. All of the poems in the April half of the book were written on their corresponding dates, but April's a short month and I felt if we were selling a book it should have more to it than 30 poems, plus I wanted to include some of my earlier poems that I especially like. That's when the title, Poems from the Edge of Spring came to me. The first day of spring being March 21st, I thought using the days of March as markers for the "extra" poems, followed by the April set, it would be perfect. As for the dates without titles, like I said, titles are tough for me, so with poems I sometimes leave them untitled rather than force something I don't really like. Also, when I'm writing some of the shorter Japanese forms like the tanka or haiku, I don't give them titles as a general rule.

Q: Under the product description at both Amazon and Barnes & Noble is one of my favorite poems of the collection:

Mosaic of Joy

Piecing together
a mosaic of joy
from shattered tiles
scattered around her,

she picks up
their first kiss
and declaration of love
and snugs them between
the light in his eyes at long ago reunions
and furious lovemaking on an ugly orange rug.

There are slabs
for the lives they created together,
the children who once quickened inside her,
who even grown have the ability to move her.

She fills in the cracks
with happy surprises
and hands held under pre-dawn stars,

certain that grout made from love
will last forever.

To me, it epitomizes the theme of collection, so good choice! Is there any significance to the March 22nd date on which you wrote it?

A: I wish I could say there was, but no. There are poems where the date is significant, "Counting," for example, but not that one. "Mosaic of Joy" is just one of the favorites I wanted to include in the collection. The title was just one of those phrases I mentioned earlier that got stuck in my head and I walked around for days piecing it together. Some poems are like that, coming together a little at a time. Others spill out all at once.

Q: How would you describe your adventure in e-publishing? Would you do it again? Would you recommend it to others?

A: Overall, I had a very good experience with it. My publisher has done all the hard stuff--Techies 'R' NOT Us. Thankfully, Lisa took care of all the formatting problems, explaining the difficulties step-by-step, and showing how things would look before the book was put out there. Anyone who's used an e-book will tell you one of its best features is being able to adjust the size of the text. However, changing the size of the text changes margins and line breaks, which is not a good thing when you're dealing with poetry. With form poetry, it makes your meter and rhymes look wonky. With free verse, lines breaks are often chosen for effect, and if those breaks change it can change the intended meaning. Lisa did her best to ensure that the poems would look as close to what I'd intended, even with the various changes, and I think she did a terrific job. While I don't think print books are ever going to disappear, I believe e-publishing is here to stay and I love my Kindle. (And that comes from someone who usually doesn't take on new technology until it's considered old.) If I had the opportunity to do it again, I would--as long as I had someone I could trust to take care of the technical aspects of it.

Q: Why aren't there any dirty limericks in the book? (Sorry. But this is me doing the interview -- what did you expect? *grin*)

A: LOL. The honest/serious answer is that I have trouble writing limericks; trying to keep the meter, rhyme and be funny all at once is hard for me. On the other hand, I did contemplate including some of the erotic poetry I've written, but decided for my virgin book offering it might be better to hold back a little.

Q: If you had a dream interview question, what would it be? (I'm guessing it's not the limerick one.)

A: I don't know if I have a "dream interview question" since until recently I never entertained the idea that I'd be interviewed (LOL!). Maybe something like: What's been your favorite reaction to the book so far? The answer would have to be: "I'm not a big fan of poetry, but I love the poems in your book." I'm not sure if that's a compliment of my poetic talents, but I love knowing someone loved reading what I've written.

Thank you, Elise! For the interview, and for a marvelous book of poetry that both entertained and moved me.

Poems from the Edge of Spring is available in both Kindle and Nook formats, for the bargain price of $2.99. Heck, you can't even get a decent cup of coffee for that anymore, and this book lasts way longer than java. And by later today or tomorrow, it should be available at the iBookstore, too. Cool, huh?

And now, as promised, for the camel groupies:

She's (looks like a girl, huh?) so happy because she's a poetry lover. :)

WOOF!

2011-09-12T07:06:00.000-04:00

So, if you were a dog, what kind would you be? Or, if not you, any of your characters?

You know, generally speaking. Not that every member of each dog breed is exactly the same, any more than all Swedes are alike, or all Germans, or all Czechs, etc. This is just for grins, and not to be taken seriously.

A few examples:

Terrier -- little, clever, tenacious.

St. Bernard -- helpful, always ready to offer a drink.

Labrador -- fun and athletic.

German Shepherd -- in charge, don't-mess-with-me.

Pit Bull -- scary.

Greyhound -- fast and sleek.

English Bulldog -- ugly, snores, drools, farts, and is easily overheated.*

And so on. That's by no means a complete list, so feel free to add your own. Or mix it up, say with something like a labradoodle or a cockahuahua (hey, what else would you call a cocker spaniel/chihuahua mix?)

My MC is kind of a terrier -- little, smart, and feisty. Oh, and a strawberry blonde, like this Norwich Terrier.

Me? A St. Bernard, of course. Need you even ask? ;)

Ready to play?

Sit. Speak. *pat, pat* There's a good...uh, never mind. Just have a drink and try not to over-think it.

*TG wants an English Bulldog. He claims they're adorable, steadfast, and not as gassy as you might think. I've told him he can have one after he retires, so he can follow it around with a plastic bag.

I've Never Played Angry Birds, and Other Random Crap About Me...

2011-09-09T06:29:00.000-04:00

I've been tagged.

So, according to Patsy Collins (who is apparently big on paying it forward *grin*), I'm supposed to tell you ten random things about myself. Might be kind of tough to come up with something I haven't already told you, since just about everything I say here is pretty random. But, for Patsy's sake, I'll try.

Ten Random Things About Me:

1. I'm allergic to green peppers.

2. I can't write to a soundtrack, because I get too involved in the music. But I'm jealous of those who can.

3. I put my footwear on sock-shoe-sock-shoe, and always start with my left foot. But, really, I'm not that anal about most things.

4. I'm mild-mannered and peace-loving about most things, but put me in front of a Scrabble board and I morph into a heartless, cutthroat Bwah-Ha-Hah Bitch.

5. I believe in ghosts. Kind of. (Not really.) Okay, maybe a little. I'm conflicted.

6. I've never played "Angry Birds." (I know! Hopelessly behind the times.)

7. I'm a lot more moderate with my imbibing than it might appear online. (Shhhh! Don't tell anyone. I have a reputation to maintain.)

8. OTOH, I probably eat more chocolate than I generally let on. It doesn't do to carry that moderation thing too far.

9. I have four two-dollar bills.

10. My mom calls me "Little Lin," despite the fact that she has to stretch to hit 5'4" and I'm 5'9". (Okay, I have to stretch, too. Big deal. Stretching is good for you.)

Anyone who wants to play, consider yourself tagged!

Oh, and if you wanna see where I write, pop over to The Debutante Ball today. There *cough* might be a picture of me in the shower. (What? Don't you write in the shower?)

Camel-Dog -- Whimsical, or Just Plain Wrong?

2011-09-07T08:03:00.000-04:00

If you try to be something you're not, sometimes the results can be ridiculous:

Yeah, that's a dog.

As much as this dog's owner wants it to look like a camel, the essence of dogginess is still there.

Now, a lot of people will think this is wrong. But I'm of two minds on it. On the one hand, it obviously lacks authenticity. There's a basic dishonesty about it. (Plus, it probably embarrasses the dog. Give the dog a piece of bacon, though, and it'll likely get over it.)

On the other hand, a part of me kinda likes the whimsy. I think the world could use more whimsy.

If we twist our brains a bit, I'm sure there's something here we can apply to writing fiction.

*twist, twist, twist*

When you're true to your voice -- whether you're literary or hard-boiled or funny or erotic, or whatever -- then I think your readers pick up on the underlying "you-ness" and are more comfortable. More willing to suspend that disbelief for the brief time they spend with you. So it helps to know what you are, and make the most of it, instead of warping your work-in-progress into the genre du jour.

But maybe you're just a born camel-dog kind of writer. Maybe that's what comes naturally to you. In which case I say...

EMBRACE THE WHIMSY!

Just don't feel like you have to write a literary-inspirational-vampire-zombie-erotic police procedural to make your book stand out. Unless that's YOU. (And if it is, let's talk. Because I really want to read your book.)

If you write, what's the most comfortable fit, genre-wise, for you?

(Which isn't always easy to pin down. Believe me, I know. For the longest time I thought I was writing funny paranormal mysteries, but it turns out they're light urban fantasies. Hey, I just write 'em. I let the pros categorize 'em.)

If you're a reader (as I strongly suspect you are; otherwise, really, why would you be here reading this?), is there a book that's drawn you in despite being a genre you normally don't salivate over*? What was it about the book that worked for you (if you can pin it down)?

*Note the clever doggy reference to tie up this blog post. You know, Pavlov's dog? The salivating thing? The way that...oh, never mind. Trust me. It works.

Happy Libation Day...er, Labor Day!

2011-09-05T07:36:00.000-04:00

That's what I plan to do.

If you don't celebrate Labor Day in your neck of the woods, take the day off anyway. Don't worry about your boss -- I'll write you a note.

Here:

Dear _____________ (fill in boss's name),

____________ (fill in your name) won't be coming to work today because (duh!) it's Labor Day somewhere, and everybody needs a break now and then. I'm sure you understand, compassionate employer that you are. 

Thank you,

Linda, your employee's blogging buddy

There. That ought to do it. Yes, even for you self-employed people -- don't let your boss be a jerk, either. ;)

See ya Wednesday!

Shall We Dance?

2011-09-02T06:36:00.000-04:00

Hey, guys, I'm not really here today. I'm over at The Debutante Ball, pretending to be a sweet, blushing, eyelash-batting, tiara-sporting, virginal debutante.

(Ha! Right. You can just picture that, huh?)

Anyway, please click on that link, stop by, and say hello.

I'll be the one wearing this:

Not really. I'll be the one waving the cigar around, as usual. But if you come see me, I promise I won't blow smoke in your eyes.

(Seriously. Don't let me be a wallflower on my debut post... *grin*)

Planes, trains, and ... um, camel vans?

2011-08-31T07:01:00.000-04:00

When I was stuck in traffic while evacuating Virginia Beach ahead of Hurricane Irene, I got to thinking about transportation. Funny how crawling along I-64 with my husband, son, son's girlfriend, daughter, and daughter's two cats, in an over-packed minivan, will inspire a reverie on just how wonderful it would be if Star Trek transporters really existed.

Alas...

So, yeah. Car travel over long distances isn't my favorite. Neither is flying (as any of you who've read my blog for long have undoubtedly already gleaned).

Buses are okay for local transportation, as is the subway.

TG swears motorcycles are the most fun way to get around. Yeah, they can be exciting, but what if it rains? And I do worry about getting smacked in the face by bugs.

Personally, I like piggy back rides best, but for covering distance, nothing beats a train. TG and I back-packed all over Europe with Eurail passes as our tickets to adventure, and it was wonderful. Aaaah...the charm of the choo-choo. The romance of the rails.

The lustiness of the locomotive!

Yeah, I said lustiness. Think of the movie North by Northwest. (That's a link to one of the best movie endings ever. Go check it out. Seriously, do it. It's only 30 or 40 seconds long. Don't worry, I'll wait...)

What'd I tell you? Who can resist imagery like that?

Speaking of imagery, and since it is Hump Day, how's this for transportation?

(Hey, you didn't think you were going to get away from here on a Wednesday without looking at a camel, did you?)

What's your favorite mode of transportation?

The Winner of the Verifictionary Contest (and the odd reference to earthquakes and hurricanes)!

2011-08-29T08:01:00.000-04:00

But first, a moment to sigh over leaving this:

Yeah, I'm back from vacation.

It was wonderful. Well, other than that it started with a freakin' earthquake (apparently the biggest in Virginia since 1897) and ended with a hurricane evacuation. But there was that one really great day on the beach between those two things, so who am I to complain?

Especially when I got to sit on my hotel balcony with TG, sipping a caffeinated beverage while enjoying sunrises like this:

Gorgeous, yes? Though, in retrospect, that old "red sky at morning, sailor take warning" saying comes to mind.

But even amidst earthquakes and hurricanes, when my mind was focused primarily on the safety of my family (and, okay, perhaps a teeny bit fuzzy from a Bloody Mary or three on the beach on that one reeeally nice day), I still managed to think of you, my loyal blog readers and contest enter-ers.

Yes, before we high-tailed it out of Virginia Beach I grabbed a box of my favorite beach candy:

And that, my dear contestants, is THE PRIZE!

Uh-huh. I KNOW! Bet all you people who didn't enter are sorry now.

Oh, come on. I told you it would dumb and/or silly, and possibly edible, didn't I? I think this qualifies as all three. Plus, it's taffy. Pure cap-pulling deliciosity. Yum!

Choosing the winner of the Verificionary Contest was difficult. There were so many great definitions to choose from! But don't take my word for it -- click on that link and go check out the comments yourself. You will giggle, I guarantee it.

After much deliberation (which included my hand in a hat full of names on slips of paper), I chose...

Karla Nellenbach!

Karla, if you'll email me your address, I will dispatch your taffy with all speed. :)

P.S. Starting today I'm officially a Deb over at The Debutante Ball (I'll be blogging there on Fridays). Monday Deb Joanne Levy -- a super fantastic middle grade author -- is kicking off the season for us. If you get a chance, pop over and say hi to her. Trust me, it's worth it just to get a load of her outfit. ;)

JUST BECAUSE I'M NOT HERE DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN'T ENTERTAIN ME!

2011-08-22T08:39:00.000-04:00

Wanted to remind you that...

But that doesn't mean I've left you with nothing to do! Remember, there's the VERIFICTIONARY CONTEST. Go here to enter. And then enter again! Do it as much as you want. (Heh-heh. I said "do it.")

Don't mind me. I'll just be sipping a Bloody Mary on the beach while I wait for your bursts of brilliance.

(Oh, and if you see me around the interwebz this week, it's because the hotel has wi-fi. But if I'm playing my vacay cards right, you won't be seeing much of me! Try not to get too comfortable with that.)

VERIFICTIONARY CONTEST!

2011-08-19T07:04:00.000-04:00

Okay, usually I'm the one to supply the definitions. But why should I have all the fun?

(If you don't know what the hell I'm talking about, you obviously missed my previous verifictionary posts. Go here to get the lowdown. If you still don't get it, you can follow the link in that post back to another previous post...and so on. Like an Easter egg hunt.)

Anyway, so here's what we're going to do today. I'll give you a list of verification "words" I've collected while blog-hopping over the past few weeks. You tell me the first "definition" that pops into your mind when you see them.

(Or, obsess about it for hours and come back later with the most perfect definition known to man. Your call.)

To make it more interesting, let's call it A CONTEST. The cleverest--or silliest, depending on my mood--definition will win one of my infamous dumb and/or silly (possibly edible) prizes.

Prize to be decided at a later date. Yup, when you enter one of my contests you take your chances. Yessirree, it's risky business.

Come on, live life on the edge! DEFINE your gorgeous little tushies off! In other words, ENTERTAIN ME!

On your mark...get set...GO!

AMERME

BEDOT

DORSEST

STABIAS

PRANTER

MODIC

FLUMMUT

WINGLERT

PLOTLENT

EXPEA

Rules: Invent a definition for any of the "words" above. You only have to define one to enter, but are welcome to go for all of them. Enter early, enter often! Overachievers will get extra credit.

Since I'll be out of town next week (on vacay at the beach, YAY!), and won't be entertaining you with my scintillating wit (tee-hee...yeah, right -- I can see you rolling your eyes...oh yes I can!), the contest will be open until midnight on Friday, Aug. 26.

I'll announce the winner on Monday, the 29th.

Have fun! And, seriously, don't take it too seriously. ;)

Vice Redux (Complete with wacky camel pic, of course.)

2011-08-17T08:05:00.000-04:00

On Monday we discussed virtue and vice, and where we fell on the great Virtue-Vice scale.

In keeping with that theme, let's extend it to fictional characters.

Oh, hell. Let's just skip the virtues and go straight for the good stuff. (Yeah, patience is not one of my virtues.)

My main character in IN A FIX swears, drinks, blurts out ill-advised words when under stress, and occasionally bites her fingernails*. (But all in a *cough* charming way. Naturally.)

If you're a reader, what are your favorite vices in the characters you read?

If you're a writer, what vices do you like to give your characters? Or, if you write like I do, what kind to they appear fully equipped with in your head?

Also, is there a vice you just can't tolerate in a character? Me, I'd have a tough time getting past a protag who habitually spit. Or chewed tobacco. Or scratched his/her privates. What's your deal-breaker?

And, since it is Wednesday (HAPPY HUMP DAY!), we must have a camel pic:

How's that for a vice?

*Does biting fingernails even qualify as a vice? What elevates a bad habit into a full-fledged vice, anyway? Now, there's a philosophical question for you. Wax away.

Monday Musing: Vice or Virtue -- Which way do you lean?

2011-08-15T07:43:00.000-04:00

We may love people for their virtues, but I think we like them for their vices.

(Hmm. Or maybe that's just me...)

See, I think there's a spectrum:

Virtue...1...2...3...4...5...6...7...8...9...Vice

On the Virtue-Vice spectrum, most people gravitate toward the middle. And thank goodness (or badness!) for that.

The Ones are too saintly...

We may admire them, but it's uncomfortable to be around them for any length of time. Hard not to compare yourself to them, and you're likely to wind up feeling bad about yourself if you do. And, come on, who likes that?

The Nines are just plain scary...

Vice that strong has gone beyond the pale. If you don't fear for yourself, you fear for them and what they are doing to themselves. Again, who wants to be around that?

Twos and Eights are pushing the edge of the envelope...

Tolerable. Twos can be inspirational, and Eights can be exciting to be around. But you probably wouldn't want to live with either of them.

Threes and Sevens...

Well, depending on where you are on the scale, they could provide a nice balance. A Three could keep a Seven on the (relatively) straight and narrow, and a Seven could keep a Three from sinking into the depths of dullness.

Fours, Fives, and Sixes...

The regular, not-too-nice, not-too-nasty types. Your average Joes. Most people are Fours, Fives, and Sixes, I think.

To help put it in perspective, an Eight is who you wanted to date in high school. And a Three is who you want your kid to date. (Maybe a Two.)

My favorite vice? Gee, it's kind of tough to narrow it down. Let's see ... I do like to ogle cute guys -- unobtrusively, and from a respectful distance -- but that's more art appreciation than a real vice. (What? I happen to think our Creator is great artist. It would be rude to ignore His *cough* body of work.)

I guess I could just go with the classics in overindulgence: chocolate and intoxicating beverages. But honestly, I'm probably barely a Four or a Five in those, as much fun as it is for me to spin it over to the wilder side.

Might have to go with Smart-Assery. I'm at least an Eight and a half there, and I do tend to appreciate it in others.

My favorite virtue is Kindness. Not the smarmy, oh-aren't-I-a-saint type. The real, Golden-Rule type. Because I've been the recipient of it, so I know how important it can be in someone's life.

Do you have a favorite vice? Or virtue?

If not, you might try shopping at this store in Panama City Beach, FL:

I've never been there myself, but you can bet I'll be paying them a visit if I'm ever in the area.

Oh, and before you leave -- if you're the sharing sort -- tell me your number. Don't worry. I won't tell anyone. ;)

The Truth about Muses

2011-08-12T08:06:00.000-04:00

I was going to write a big ol' long post on inspiration this morning. Really. But then I found this...

...and suddenly it all seemed moot.

Even if you're not a writer, surely you have a muse to help get you through your day. A Day Job muse, a Cooking muse, a Laundry muse, a Please-Don't-Let-Me-Kill-My-Children muse...

Yeah, I'm pretty sure there are muses for all endeavors.

So, what kind of muse do you have? And what muse methodology works best for you -- gentle and cajoling, or armed and dangerous?

Hooky, Hooky, Hooky! Let's Play HUMP DAY HOOKY!!!

2011-08-10T07:47:00.000-04:00

Admit it. You want to do this, too.

Fill in the blank:

When I play hooky, I like to ___________________________________!

Why, no, that's not just something to keep you busy while I'm off playing hooky.*

*Okay, so I just lied. That's totally what it is. But, really, I'm only doing it to set ~~a good~~ an example. I mean, I can't in good conscience recommend you do something I'm not willing to do myself, can I? CAN I??

Of course not. I knew you'd understand.

Now, shoo. Go play hooky.

WAIT! But not before you tell me your favorite hooky activity. Especially if it's naughty. ;)

Monday Musings on Wanting, aka "No, I mustn't! Well, maybe just this once..."

2011-08-08T08:13:00.000-04:00

A while back I blogged about wanting, and how our wants evolve over time. The things we want when we're kids, we don't (necessarily) still want as adults.

Except, of course, wanting to have a hot fudge sundae for dinner. I'm pretty sure that's a universal want, never to be outgrown, unless you are a person with weird and warped taste buds.

A culinary Scrooge.

A gastronomical Grinch.

A *gasp!* healthy eater. *shudders*

As a kid, I used to daydream about eating an honest-to-God, full-sized, cherry-on-top hot fudge sundae for dinner, instead of the meat and veggies meal put in front of me like clockwork.

Okay, it's still pretty high on my list.

Sure, now that I can technically have ice cream for dinner whenever I gosh darn feel like it, some the sharpness of the want is gone. There's nothing quite like the thrill of the forbidden to hone one's desire, and if the forbidden isn't really forbidden, well, some of the ... let's call it "experiential pizazz" ... may be lost. But here's a secret: if you squirt a little extra whipped cream on it, that pizazz will come right back.

(Hmm. One could say that about a lot of previously forbidden things. But one won't, as one's children have been known to read one's blog. *cough*)

Of course, I can also recapture some of the pizazz by forbidding myself to eat the sundae, for, say, dietary reasons. But that contaminates the pureness of the want by countering it with a perfectly reasonable, albeit conflicting, want; i.e. I want to be able to zip my jeans.

(But whipped cream is better, so try not run out. Trust me on this.)

This whole WANTING thing is directly related to writing, too. Think about it. A piece of fiction is basically a story about somebody (a person, an anthropomorphized animal or alien, whatever -- as long as the "somebody" can be related to by the reader) who wants something. Love, money, a shiny new toy, revenge, salvation...again, whatever.

The author's job is to stretch out the agony (otherwise known as "foreplay") for the length of the story. Once the character gets what he or she wants, the story is over.

Unless, of course, the sneaky author has replaced the want with a newer, even want-ier want.

Now, for the ending of a story to be satisfying (to me, anyway), the character's want (and, by extension, the reader's want) must be fulfilled. This can be by:

(A) the character getting exactly what s/he wanted all along,

(B) the character realizing s/he didn't really want it after all, and getting something even better (or at least better for her/him), or

(C) the character coming to terms with (aka "getting screwed over by") life.

Granted, (C) isn't all that much fun for me to read. But there are those who find these kind of endings somehow satisfying. Masochists, I suspect. Or maybe sadists. The same people who rooted for Lucy when she kept pulling that football away before Charlie Brown could kick it.

So, what kind of endings do you prefer?

Come on, now. You can tell me. I promise not to judge you, even if you're a sadomasochistic Lucy Lover.

Alternatively, tell me -- what's one of your forbidden desires? And would you like a little whipped cream on that? ;)

Appreciating the FUNdamentals

2011-08-05T08:09:00.000-04:00

fun·da·ment/ˈfəndəmənt/Noun

1. The foundation or basis of something.

2. A person's buttocks.

Guess which definition I'm going with for this post. *waggles eyebrows*

Yes, for your Friday viewing pleasure, I bring you the first (and possibly the l-ass-t, depending on how well it is received) installment of...

The Friday Fundament:

Now, if that's not getting down to basics, I don't know what is! Thank you, Mr. Craig, for what you do to a pair of chaps.

(Hey, I grew up in Texas. Can you blame me for appreciating a nice cowboy getup?)

No, I haven't seen Cowboys and Aliens yet. But I'm going to, as soon as Opera Hell* is over and TG has some free time to go with me. Even though the film has received less than stellar reviews. Because who cares about reviews when Daniel Craig's butt is starring in a movie?

So, what do you appreciate on a fundamental level?
(It doesn't have to be a butt. It could be anything. But a butt would probably be more fun. Just sayin'.)

* Our "affectionate" (ha!) term for summer, when the theater god spends waaaay too much in the Valhalla of Warbling Stage Performers. Not that I don't appreciate opera...oh, hell. Who am I kidding? I don't appreciate opera. To each her own, and opera ain't generally my own.**

** (Oh, look. I footnoted my footnote.) There are exceptions. I kinda like the funny ones, especially the ones in English, so I don't have to keep staring at the supertitles (like subtitles, only above the stage) just to understand what's going on in the show.

A Few Wednesday Wants

2011-08-03T08:21:00.000-04:00

I want these:

Or maybe this:

Both would be good.

You can get camel pen holder here. Silly? Verging on tacky? Yeah. Still, I might just get it.

Because, yannoh ... I want it.

(The website where I saw the camel pens doesn't seem to have any ordering information. Thus proving The Rolling Stones right: "You can't always get what you w-a-a-a-n-t..." But at least it's a good camel pic for a Hump Day post.)

Okay, okay. Wanting frivolous, camel-related paraphernalia is not as noble as wanting, say, World Peace.

Or Cures For All Horrible Diseases.

I mean, of course I want those things, too. Duh.

But in the Want Department, it pays to have some trivial desires to fill in the chinks. Just a few things you have a snowball's chance in hell of actually getting, because, face it, getting what you want feels good.

And what's wrong with feeling good? Not a dad-gum thing.

If you're into self-denial as a recreational activity, it might help to consider "feeling good" as part of the Essential Human Being Maintenance Package. It's like oiling a fine piece of machinery -- it extends life and improves performance.

Right now I also want a hot fudge sundae, a foot massage, and a clue about a certain chapter in my WIP. I know these things will make me feel good. Bonus: They aren't very expensive.

What do you want? What's cheap and easy, and will make you feel good?

[Aside to TG: If you say me...well, you're probably right. ;) ]

Just pinch me and call me Cinderella!

2011-08-01T07:38:00.000-04:00

Y'ALL!!! Guess what?

*tries to pause for dramatic effect* *fails utterly*

The Debutante Ball, a group blog for debut authors, has invited me to be a part of their 2012 roster! (If you missed the announcement on their site yesterday, you can see it here.)

I'm so excited I could pee!

Oh, wait. That lacks a certain ... gentility, shall we say? Not very debutante-like. Perhaps I should rephrase it.

I'm so excited I could barf!

No? Maybe something a little more southern.

Well, butter my butt and call me a biscuit!

Um, okay. Perhaps gentility isn't my forte. Maybe proper clothing would help. I'm thinking something like this...

...because that pink matches the stripe I dyed in my hair after my agent, the amazing Michelle Wolfson, sold my books to the equally amazing Melissa Frain at Tor Books. (Try to ignore the fact that there are no comments on the book-selling/hair-dye post. There used to be over a hundred, but the Intense Debate commenting system I was using at the time had a glitch. *bites knuckle and sobs quietly* Not that I'm bitter ...)

But back to the outfit: the tiara looks kind of like a fountain pen nib, which is totally appropriate for a debut author, right?

The new class of Debs takes over at the end of August. I'll be filling the bawdy/naughty Friday slot currently held by Tawna Fenske. She's a tough act to follow, but I'll do my best!

Anyway, I'm hoping you'll come visit me at the Ball, and maybe stick around and meet the fabulous ladies I'll be sharing the dance floor with. It's a great group, and I'm proud to be a part of it.

WTF Friday

2011-07-29T08:45:00.000-04:00

Aaaah. Amore. The sweet, sweet bliss of rolling over in bed, gazing at your beloved, and hearing the words that mean so much come tumbling from his lips...

"Who the f*ck are you?"

Um, yeah. Not exactly what I expected, either. But I guess it's nice there are still some surprises left after all these years together. And, before we were married, he did promise me life would never be dull.

As the astute among you may have surmised, TG sometimes talks in his sleep. Mostly incoherent stuff that sounds sort of like a turkey drowning*, but now and then the words are all too clear. Much to his chagrin.

The little gem quoted above had him apologizing and explaining for days. Yeah, I believed his claim that he'd been dreaming about an intruder (a really bad, nasty intruder, one he was valiantly trying to protect me from), and it was that miscreant he was addressing, not me. But it was kind of fun to prolong his agony by pretending to take great offense.

(Sadistic? Moi? Um ... well ... okay, maybe a bit.)

Of course, now it's just plain funny to both of us. All either of us has to do to convulse the other with laughter is stop, in the middle of whatever we're doing, and say, "Who the f*ck are you?"

(In fact, that's how I plan on inscribing his special copy In A Fix next summer.)

So, have you had any interesting surprises yourself lately? Or maybe a WTF** moment you'd care to share?

P.S. I noticed I've picked up a few new subscribers to the blog. Thank you, and welcome! Also, I'd like to apologize for the use of poorly masked profanity in this post. I'd like to, but I won't, since, frankly, I've done it before and am quite likely to do it again. I can't help it if I have a potty mouth. Click here for explanation.

*Seriously. Imagine holding a turkey under water and listening to it gobble. Luckily, this doesn't happen often. Only when he's having a nightmare. Which is why I try to limit the number of scary movies we watch.

**WTF = What the f*ck. In case this is your first time on the internet and haven't run across that acronym before.

A Horrible, Heinous Hump Day Admission

2011-07-27T08:06:00.000-04:00

I'm nosy.

It's true. I am. *bites knuckle* (Apparently I'm also melodramatic.)

Sorry, but I can't help it. I was born with a ~~healthy~~ HUGE amount of curiosity.

If you have a secret, I want to know it.

If you leave your journal lying around unlocked, I'll assume you meant to share it with me. (Hmm. I may even assume you meant to share it with me if the lock is too easy to pick.)

If you leave your blinds open, odds are I'll peek in. (From the sidewalk, as I walk past your house on an evening stroll. Come on -- I may be nosy but I'm not a total perv.)

In fact, houses/apartments are some of the things I'm the most curious about. I love seeing how and where people live. It's probably why the TV show House Hunters is one of my favorites, even though TG assures me it's actually quite boring.

But I don't care if it's boring. I get to see inside all those lovely, weird, tacky, gorgeous, mediocre, wonderful homes! That's the important thing.

The ones that still have furniture in them are the best. Antiques are nice, but big & ugly is more fun. And, oooh, when they open the closets -- Snoop Heaven!

Uh-oh...

I've done it now, haven't I? You're afraid to ever have me over, aren't you?

Look, it's not like I go rummaging through my friends' houses. Honest. Heck, I don't even check the medicine cabinet when I use their restrooms, because, seriously, ~~somebody might've booby-trapped it with marbles~~.*cough* Um, I mean, because that would be an invasion of privacy and very, very ... what's that word I'm looking for? Oh, yeah. Wrong. It would be wrong, and that's why I don't do it.

So, how about you? Are you nosy, too? Or ~~are you boringly disinterested in the lives of~~ ... uh, do you respect the privacy of others?

And if you really wanna make my day, tell me a secret. ;-)

P.S. Isn't that the most AWESOME camel pic ever?

"You Might Wanna..."

2011-07-25T07:38:00.000-04:00

As you head into this new week, there are a few tidbits of wisdom it might be wise to take with you.

(Don't ask me how I know these things. All I can tell you is, some of us are just born...um, intuitive. Yup. that's it. Intuitive.)

Before you...

...bite into that candy apple, you might wanna remember the bridge and three crowns in your mouth.

...throw a load of dark clothes into the washer, you might wanna check the pockets for Kleenex.

...you honk at (and flip off) the driver who neglected to come to a complete stop, and almost T-boned you as you returned home from grocery shopping, you might wanna make sure it's not your neighbor.

...in moment of marital playfulness flash your boobs at your husband, you might wanna make sure the blinds are closed. And that your neighbor isn't walking by your window.

...have that third martini, you might wanna remember how much you regretted the last third martini you had.

...brush your teeth, you might wanna remember your toothpaste isn't the only thing that comes in a tube.

...you bite into that banana pepper (bland), you might wanna make sure it's not really a wax pepper (ye-owch!).

<--Banana pepper / Wax pepper -->

(You can see why there might be some confusion.)

So, do you have any helpful additions to the "You Might Wanna" list? That you (of course) just know intuitively? Do share!

Please. I mean, think of the pain and suffering (not to mention embarrassment) your intuition might save some hapless soul.

More Verifictionary Fun! Try to contain your excitement...

2011-07-22T08:12:00.000-04:00

Y'all up for a little somethin'-somethin' with the verifictionary?

(Er, sorry. Sometimes I get an irrepressible urge to sound "cool." It never works out well for me.)

Anyway, you remember the verifictionary, don't you? The "dictionary" of those verification "words" that pop up when you try to leave a comment on someone's blog? If not, go here for more info. Because, yeah, this isn't the first time I've subjected you to this.

So, here are some of the new words that have popped up while I've been making my bog rounds lately:

AERROT-- what happens to your grass roots when you over-aerate your lawn.

AMBLYPEN -- the pen you need when you're letting your fingers do the walking.

DURESSEE -- the person under pressure from the duressor.

JOCKYL -- the nerd Hyde's athletic alter-ego.

METANS -- like vegans, but for meat. They won't eat anything touched by a vegetable.

MUSELIE -- what muses like to eat for breakfast.

REDATIM -- what to do after you date 'im the first time.

REJOCKS -- the ones who didn't make the team.

SCROMIST -- okay, I have a definition for this one, too, only it's kind of dirty, so I'll leave it to your imagination to come up with what my imagination thought up. I'm sure you're up to the task. ;) Stuck? Maybe this will help:

SUBVERIT -- not quite the truth.

UPHON -- like an iphone, only for "u" instead of me.

VOLDSORI -- how baby Voldemort used to apologize (back before he was a total dipwad who never apologized for anything).

Have y'all come across any interesting possibilities while making your rounds?

Um, not here, of course. I haven't used word verification since Blogger got better spam filters. I think the fewer hoops my commenters have to jump through, the better. (Yeah, I know. Ironic, huh?) But, please, don't y'all stop. I need the material!

The Perfect Hump Day Read!!!

2011-07-20T08:24:00.000-04:00

So, guess what I found on my porch yesterday?!!?

Go ahead, GUESS!!

Oh, never mind. I'll ~~tell you~~ SHOW you:

That's MAKING WAVES, the hilariously sexy novel by none other than my fantabulous critique partner, Tawna Fenske.

(Yes, that is me behind the book. No, I do not show my face this early in the morning. You're welcome.)

I'm so excited I could pee my pants! (Only, I won't. Because, yannoh, leather couch.)

Here's how it's described at the online sites where you can buy it:

When Alex Bradshaw's unscrupulous boss kicks him to the curb after 20 faithful years as an executive with the world's largest shipping company, he sets out to reclaim his dignity and his pension. Assembling a team of fellow corporate castoffs, he sails to the Caribbean to intercept an illegal diamond shipment. None of them counted on quirky blonde stowaway Juli Flynn, who has a perplexing array of talents, a few big secrets, and an intoxicating romantic chemistry with Alex...

Intriguing, huh? You know what that "intoxicating romantic chemistry" means, don't you? *waggles eyebrows* Yeah. Have your fan on standby.

Folks, this book is good. A Pure D Fun escape from the workaday world. In fact, this book is so entertaining, I'm going to give it the inaugural...

Grimes Giggle Guarantee!

If you don't laugh yourself silly while reading, just send me your copy of the book and I will send you ~~a lemon to suck, you sourpuss!~~ your money back. (Seriously. I feel quite safe in making this guarantee.)

Oh, and since it's Hump Day, and I know how y'all like your camel pics, here:

This camel wishes it were reading MAKING WAVES. Ha! It should be so lucky.

(Are you still here? Shoo. Go buy your own copy of Tawna's book. You'll be glad you did.)

Inertia is a property of bloggers...

2011-07-18T07:18:00.000-04:00

Remember Bill Nye the Science Guy? I used to love watching his show with my kiddos when they were little. (I try to ignore the fact that he's gotten...um, rather weird, of late.)

Here's the intro to the show:

Did you hear the part about inertia being a property of matter? Yeah, well, it's a property of bloggers, too.

What's that you say? What is inertia?

*Ahem* Inertia is the tendency for a body at rest to remain at rest, or a body in motion to remain in motion, until acted upon by an outside force.

Which is a rather convoluted way of saying that once you've paused, it's hard to get moving again.

Most of y'all know the "outside force" that acted on me: the big medical clusterfu--um, yeah--that descended upon my family when my mom and my father-in-law each had to have major surgery right in the middle of my edits.

I know! Talk about poor timing on their part. Next time I hope they schedule their emergencies better.

Kidding. I'm really not that self-centered and cold-hearted. (Much.)

The good news is, the 'rents are on the road to recovery, my initial edits are done, and I'm starting to feel human again.

The bad news is...I'm b-a-a-a-ck...! And you will once again be subjected to my inane ramblings on whatever strikes me as remotely amusing.

WARNING: future posts could include stories about ICU hallucinations of cats and stolen panties, anesthesia-induced psychic visions, and how the best thing you can do after a long day in a hospital waiting rooms is "un-WINE-d."

P.S. Thanks for all your positive thoughts and prayers while this mess was going on! Much appreciated. :)

Some weeks are humpier than others...

2011-07-06T07:31:00.000-04:00

...and this past week has been one of them. I feel kind of like this guy looks:

But I'm back home now! My travel day was...oh, crap. Trust me, you don't want to know. Let's just say it involved many, many hours, three flights, and Turbulence from Hell. Seriously. There was screaming, and it wasn't just me. Even the flight attendants let out a few squeaks. You can imagine how much I, flying-phobe that I am, enjoyed this.

(Actually, I did giggle through most of the bigger ups and downs, but I think that may have been impending hysteria.)

The good news: my mom has been moved to a medical rehab facility (they actually call it a "medical resort," which makes it sound kind of vacation-y, doesn't it?) where she'll stay until she can safely resume her normal independent lifestyle. This is a huge improvement over the hospital. She'll have a private room, and loads of help getting her strength back. Nobody expects her to have to stay there for long.

The bad news: TG's dad is going in for surgery today. He should be fine, and the hospital he's at is only ten minutes away. No air travel involved.

But it does bring to mind a comment my oldest brother made: "It's deja poo -- the feeling you've been through this sh!t before."

Um, yeah. Exactly.

Anyhoo, I'm now about to dive back into my edits, which I had to put so far on the back burner they were off the stove. Maybe even out of the kitchen. So if I'm scarce around the interwebz for a while longer, please forgive me. I haven't forsaken you (or your blogs)!

P.S. Sorry for the general lack of hilarity around this blog lately. I promise I'll think of some dirty jokes or naughty stories to share with you soon. In the meantime, if you have anything amusingly rude or irreverent you've been dying to share with me, please tell me in the comments. Don't worry if it's inappropriate. I'll probably laugh even more if it is. ;)

Happy Hump Day! (Heh. I said hump.)

Texas Heat and the ICU

2011-07-01T08:32:00.000-04:00

I'm still here in Texas. It's HOT. But on the up side, I've had some great Mexican food.

Thank you all for your good thoughts and prayers. Mom came through the surgery with flying colors. She's had a little trouble with A-fib (arterial fibrillation -- "palpitations") since waking, but the medication is helping.

(Hmm. Wonder if she'll share...)

If all goes well, she'll get out of the ICU today, and into a more comfortable room. Her doctors and nurses have been universally wonderful. They've turned a horrendous experience into something bearable.

The poor things also now know I'm a writer, because Mom insists on telling everyone who comes into her room, whether it's to take her blood or adjust her wires and tubes, that her daughter is going to be published. And then, being Mom, she also adds, "It took her long enough."

Ah, moms. You gotta love 'em.

Anyway, I'll be here for a while longer. Internet coverage at the hospital is spotty, so you may not see much of me, but I'm thinking of you all. Really missing making my blog rounds, too. Can't wait to catch up when all this medical mess is behind me.

Leavin' on a jetplane...

2011-06-27T07:00:00.037-04:00

[I scheduled this to go up this morning, but it didn't take. Silly Blogger.]

So, yeah. Not really here today.

I'm somewhere in the sky, on one of my least favorite modes of transportation: an airplane.

It's not so much the flying I mind. It's the being crammed into a big metal tube with so many other people, and not being able to leave it when I want. I'm a teeeensy bit claustrophobic, you see. And as it's a 6 a.m. flight, ordering a martini or three would likely get me some Looks. You know the kind I mean.

And apparently to get from DC to San Antonio, you have to stop in Denver for three hours. Who knew?

But one of my brothers told me to look out the window when we land in Denver, because the airport roof looks like boobs. So at least there's that to look forward to.

What profound occurrence has precipitated this event? My mom went and scared the living crap out of me by coming this >< close to having a heart attack.

So I'll be in sunny, too-damn-hot Texas all week, and likely won't be blogging for a while. Maybe I'll see you around Twitter, though, if that's one of your indulgences.

(Did I mention I really hate flying? I did? Um, yeah. Wheeee.....!)

UPDATE: I'm in the ICU with Mom. They've scheduled her for a quadruple bypass surgery tomorrow. Oh, and Tada! I survived the flight. I think. But I'm too tired to know for sure.

What are YOU rated? G? PG? R? OMG, XXX?? (Please, no!!)

2011-06-24T06:55:00.000-04:00

I think most days my blog would get a PG-13. My, um, "colorful" language may sometimes put me over into R territory (how many F-bombs do you have to drop to get bumped up to an R these days, anyway?), and I've been known to do a sweetish PG post occasionally (maybe even a G, though offhand I can't recall one--not sure I'm ever that sweet), but mostly PG-13.

Heck, I even censored the Camel Balls pic on Wednesday, and that was bubble gum.

Also, I practically never discuss my sex life. (You're welcome.)

All in all, I think my blog is in keeping with the kind of books I write.Which is, I think, what a writer wants in her blog. I don't think people who visit here regularly will be shocked or appalled when they read my book someday.

(Er, if they read my book. I try not to take anything for granted.)

How about you? Do you censor yourself on your own blogs? If you're a writer, does your blogging style reflect you, The Writer, or is it more you, the person who just happens to write?

To throw in some controversy, do you think YA writers have a moral obligation to keep their blogs from crossing the line into strictly adult territory? (Nope, I'm not even going to attempt to define that line. There's a reason I don't don't write YA. I'm not sure where the damn line is!)

So, basically what I'm asking is, if your blog were a movie, what would it be rated?

If you don't have a blog, you can tell me what your mouth is rated, if you like. ;)

A Special, Extra-Sour Hump Day Treat For You!

2011-06-22T06:50:00.000-04:00

Still deep in my altered state (editing), so pardon the short post.

But it IS Wednesday -- HUMP DAY -- and I know how you like your camel fix, so I thought I'd share this:

Yes, there apparently is a bubble gum called Camel Balls. According the label, they're *cough* extra sour. One can only imagine...

I took the liberty of doctoring up the picture a bit, just make sure it's safe for work. (Come on. Don't even pretend you don't surf your blog roll while you're at work.) Just Google "Camel Balls Gum" if you want to see the un-doctored version. But be prepared. It's quite ... um, impressive.

Anyway, my new goal in life it to get hold of some Camel Balls so I can chew them. If anyone knows where these things are sold, please share.

Happy Hump Day!

The WINNERS! AKA, Rocks, Fluorescent Jewelry, and Fluff, Oh My!

2011-06-20T08:12:00.000-04:00

First, thanks to everyone who participated in the week long TRUTH OR BIG FAT LIE contest. If was fun--and, okay, slightly appalling--to see what you thought of me.

Before I announce the winners, let me tell you the correct answer to each "fact." You know, just to build the suspense. Yup, I'm all about the foreplay, baby!

On Monday I said:

I once had to ride a cow because all the horses where I took horseback-riding lessons were taken by the kids who got there on time.

BIG FAT LIE. I have, in fact, never ridden a cow. The closest I've ever been to a cow was on my Great-Uncle Ed's farm when I seven, when a week-old calf sucked my fingers. It tickled.

There were no cows where I took riding lessons. Besides (as Karla Nellenbach correctly pointed out), me late to any kind of appointment? Ha! It is to laugh. Nevah! (Some might call this anal retentive. I prefer to think of it as just another one of my many charming quirks.)

On Wednesday I said:

I once spent a hot summer afternoon sitting in a giant beer cooler with two red-faced Irishmen. 

TRUTH. As so many of suspected. Though probably not in the way you suspected.

See, John, our Irish friend who kindly drove TG and me all over his fair country when we were backpacking through Europe, paid us a visit one summer after we'd returned to the States. He brought an army buddy with him, and let's just say July in the DC metropolitan area was rather warmer than either of them were used to. Also, TG and I were newly settled in a house, and still recovering financially from our six-month sojourn overseas, so we couldn't afford extravagant entertaining.

What to do with two worn-out Irishmen, red-faced from the heat after sightseeing in downtown DC all day?

Why, fill up a large-ish kiddie pool with water, add multiple bags of ice, throw in a case of beer, and invite one and all to crawl in afterward! (Fully clothed, let me add, for those of you with prurient imaginations.) Kind of the opposite of a hot tub, and quite refreshing. TG grilled burgers, and a good time was had by all.

On Friday I said:

Once, while attending a reception at one  of those giant wedding mills, I crashed the party in the hall next  door, because they had better food and an open bar. 

BIG FAT LIE. Not that I wasn't tempted, especially when they started doing the chicken dance at the wedding reception I was attending.

If you're not familiar with the chicken dance, this will give you an idea of what it is. Just imagine 200 people in wedding finery doing it at once:

But when I heard strains of the Macarena wafting over from the other reception, I knew there wasn't much to gain by defecting. Especially since the reception I was at did have an open bar. Come on! How else are you going to get 200 people to do the chicken dance?

If you're not familiar with the Macarena (geez, where have you been hiding?), you can go search for it on YouTube, because I just can't bring myself to subject you to it after the chicken dance. (Go ahead. Thank me.)

So, three of you got all three right. (Which is cool, because three is my favorite number!)

*Ahem* Drum roll, please.

And the winners are...

Summer Frey, Karla Nellenback, and Steph Schmidt. Aww. You guys know me so well.

All three of you will get this FABULOUS ASSORTMENT OF (dumb) PRIZES!!!

Why, yes, those are pop rocks! Because you all rock. And glow-in-the-dark earrings! Because it gives me a warm glow that you know me so well. And, finally, Fluffy Stuff, because...well, because my contests are kind of fluffy. Life needs a little fluff, to help soften the rough edges.

If you'll email me your addresses (my addy is on the sidebar in the About Me section), I'll mail your prizes ASAP.

Once again, thanks to everyone who played along! Hope it was as fun for you as it was for me.

Contest: TRUTH OR BIG FAT LIE? (The final installment.)

2011-06-17T07:21:00.000-04:00

Are you ready for it?

Your Friday "fact":

Once, while attending a reception at one of those giant wedding mills, I crashed the party in the hall next door, because they had better food and an open bar.

Find out the contest details, and judge the veracity of the first "fact," here. And see the second installment here. You have to pass judgment on all three statements to be eligible to win the contest.

True, we don't know what the prize will be. The only thing you can be sure of is that it will be dumb and/or valueless. Surely that's incentive, right?

You're almost there! Keep your eye on the prize! (Er, whatever it may be. Won't know until Monday, when the winner--and the prize--will be announced. Stay tuned.)

TRUTH OR BIG FAT LIE, Question 2

2011-06-15T08:13:00.000-04:00

Next installment of ...

TRUTH OR BIG FAT LIE?

I once spent a hot summer afternoon sitting in a giant beer cooler with two red-faced Irishmen.

Since it's Hump Day, I feel compelled to mention camels. Er...there were no drunk camels involved. But here's a picture of a camel drinking, just so you don't leave disappointed:

For an explanation of the contest, check out Monday's post here.

(Seriously. Check it out. If you haven't entered there yet, do it. And then come back here and do it again. There will be a prize, people. A PRIZE!!)

CONTEST! Truth or Big Fat Lie? AKA, Editorial Letters and Riding Cows

2011-06-13T07:31:00.000-04:00

I received my editorial letter for IN A FIX from the uber-fantastic Melissa Frain (@frain on Twitter), and it was brimming kind words and wonderful suggestions. Made me feel all warm and fuzzy inside, like I'd just downed a cup of cocoa with a slug of Kahlua in it.

Honestly, the woman is a genius at pointing out the sucky parts of a book without making you feel like they were sucky at all, only that perhaps there are ways to make those parts even more brilliant than they already are. I told her that if she were a doctor, she'd be the kind who gave shots her patients couldn't even feel. Yes, she is that good.

Huh. One would almost think she has experience in dealing with writers and their notoriously fragile egos. *grin*

But, since it appears there is room for improvement in my manuscript (shocking, I know), I will be quite busy for the next few weeks. Posts here may be a bit scarcer, or at least shorter.

(Hey! *glares suspiciously* Is that applause I hear? Cut that out!)

So, I think this week we should play TRUTH OR BIG FAT LIE?

Here's how it works: I will state a "fact" about myself. Something I haven't shared here before. And you get to decide whether I'm telling you the truth or just yanking your chain.

At the end of the week*, whoever has the most right answers will win one of my famous dumb and/or valueless prizes (to be determined later). In case of a tie, winner will be determined by random (silly) drawing.

Okay, Monday's "Fact":

I once had to ride a cow because all the horses where I took horseback-riding lessons were taken by the kids who got there on time.

* My, isn't that a cagey way to make you come back and leave a comment on my Wednesday and Friday posts, too? Yeah, I'm sneaky like that. But, come on--my dumb and/or valueless prizes are totally worth it. You know you want to play. So, TRUTH? Or BIG FAT LIE? You decide.

Traded my Boy Toy for a Sugar Daddy

2011-06-10T07:02:00.000-04:00

Tomorrow is the theater god's birthday.

(Yes, he's a Gemini. Which means I get to sleep with twins every night. *waggles eyebrows*)

Of course, he'll be at work. Can't be helped -- summers are for opera, and operas don't stage themselves.

But that's okay. We're going out to dinner with his folks tonight, and that will be fun. And we'll celebrate more after this first summer opera is in the bag.

TG used to be a few months younger than me, but (I've arbitrarily decided) he's much older now that I've stopped counting my birthdays. Being a cougar was fun while it lasted, but why do it to death?

Besides, I'm sure TG would love to be my sugar daddy instead of my boy toy. Just to mix things up a bit. Gotta keep things sassy. ;)

Think I could get him to put this on for me?

Yeah, me neither.

Happy Birthday, Sweetie*! I love you, whatever your age.

P.S. No, I didn't bake that cake. Come on. Me? In the kitchen? Frankly, there are better rooms in the house to get things cookin'. ;)

*Get it? "Sweetie" -- because he's my sugar daddy. Ha! Sometimes I crack myself up.

NO! You MUSTN'T!! Oh, what the heck...

2011-06-08T07:22:00.000-04:00

Theirs was a forbidden love...

And so was theirs...

And especially theirs...

(Ha. You knew I'd sneak a camel in somewhere, didn't you? It's Hump Day, after all.)

The camel and the zedonk won't even let a fence keep them apart -- that's the power of love. Either that, or the magnetic pull of the forbidden. (And that zedonk...well, he was obviously the product of yet another forbidden love -- zebra and donkey.)

There's just something about a no-no that makes you want to scream, "Oh-yes-I-will!"

Contrariness has a lot to do with it, I suspect. If something isn't allowed, whether by society or our own bloody willpower, it must be fun, right?

So, what forbidden thing have you given in to lately?

What's that you say? Me first?

All righty. I'll 'fess up. Send the children out of the room, and cover your eyes if you're sensitive.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
. Spoiler Space
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.
.
.
.
.
.
.

I had a cup of coffee. Which I'm not really supposed to drink anymore. Heartburn, caffeine can raise your blood pressure, yadda yadda yadda. Whatever.

AND I had whipped cream on it. It wasn't even the fat-free kind. So there! (But no sugar. There are limits to my daring.)

.
.
.
.

What? You're still reading? *sighs* You're disappointed, aren't you? You were hoping I was going to spill about some clandestine rendezvous, or a wild weekend bender, or an illicit relationship with a badger or something, weren't you?

Sorry. My wild side gets most of its forbidden jollies vicariously.

But you are welcome to outdo me in the comments. You know, so I enjoy your forbidden jollies vicariously. Come on, don't be shy. I promise I won't tell a soul. ;)

Or you can totally dishearten me by telling me how strong your willpower is. Go ahead. I'm tough. I can take it.

Bunny or Hamster -- which are you?

2011-06-06T07:31:00.000-04:00

Are you a nibbler...

Or do you lean more toward...

...gorging yourself?

No, I'm not talking about food. I'm talking about reading.

I know, I know...but I couldn't find any pictures of cute little animals reading books, so I chose to go the metaphorical route with the illustrations. Besides, who can resist a cute little bunny or hamster? Those ears? Those tiny, twitchy noses? And the whiskers...OMG!

*Ahem* But back to the subject at hand...

To narrow the question down even further, what I really mean is, reading a particular author. Say you find a book you really enjoy. Do you immediately try to track down other books by the same writer, or do you spread out the enjoyment, only reading another here and there, interspersed with other books?

A related question: do you like to mix up your genres, or feast on one until you're good and sick of it before you switch to something else?

Me? Glad you asked.

I am a gorger. Man, when I find a new author I really like, I will stuff those books down like there's no tomorrow, and weep with frustration when I run out.

Right now I'm in the middle of a Kristan Higgins smorgasbord. In the past week I've read Just One of the Guys, Too Good to Be True, Fools Rush In, and am in the middle of Catch of the Day.

I blame Tawna Fenske, who got me going on Higgins with this post. I downloaded Just One of the Guys, planning to keep it in reserve for when I didn't have anything better to do. Didn't think any more of it until four or five days later, when I sat down to give my overworked typing fingers a break.

Honestly, I don't know how I haven't managed to read these books before. They are hilariously romantic, and I do love me some good romantic hilarity. It's going to be depressing as heck when I catch up to, and finish reading, Higgins' most recent novel, My One and Only, but at least my appetite for rom com should be sated for a while.

I did the same thing after I discovered Harlan Coben. Plowed through his Myron Bolitar books first (love-love-LOVE Myron, and his batshit-crazy sidekick Win), and then moved on to his others. Same for Charlaine Harris's Sookie Stackhouse books -- I practically inhaled them.

I would have done the same to Diana Gabaldon's Outlander series if I hadn't discovered it so early that I was forced to wait -- in agony! -- for each new addition after the first one. I so envy the people starting now, who can read one right after the other without having to pull their hair out, wondering what will be happening to Jamie and Claire next. (I especially advise not reading book 2 (Dragonfly in Amber) until you have book 3 (Voyager) safely in hand, ready to begin immediately when you finish. Trust me on this.)

Are there any authors you find particularly Gorge Worthy? Or do you nibble your way through your To Be Read pile?

So...BUNNY or HAMSTER? Come on, tell. I wanna know if I'm in the majority or not.

Yeah. Bring it, baby. It's BUNNY v. HAMSTER SMACKDOWN time!!

How impolite! How impertinent! How rude! How...um, true.

2011-06-03T07:55:00.000-04:00

I've heard of it, but I've never actually run across it in the comments section of any of the blogs I read on a regular basis. Though, if I'm honest, some of them may have *cough* deserved it on occasion, mine included.

What, you may be asking yourself, could Linda be talking about?

The dreaded...

Yes, the old "tl;dr" in the comments. Shorthand for "too long; didn't read."

Ack. How impertinent. How rude.

How...*whispers* sometimes true.

Now, seeing the tl;dr in the comment stream doesn't mean a post is bad. It could be fantastic -- well-written, informative, witty. A true joy to read. But regular readers of blogs tend to read a lot of blogs. If one blog takes a long time to read, and you multiply that by ten or twenty, or more...well, a good chunk of your day can disappear real fast. Or else you have to stop commenting at all, and that's no fun.

Hearing about tl;dr got me thinking, though. Does the opposite hold true? Is there such a thing as "ts;wb" (too short; why bother)? (Hmm. That one might come in handy for situations other than blog reading...)

Or maybe "jr;tyfnbtlots" (just right; thank you for not being too long or too short)?

There probably is and ideal range for blog post length, though I confess I'm not sure what it is. Long enough to have some substance. Not so short nobody can think of anything to say about it in the comments.

What do you think? Do you like your posts long or short? (No, that is NOT a euphemism!) (Okay, maybe it is. But let's not go there.)

Also, can you come up with a good comments acronym? (STFU has already been taken, so don't use that one. No matter how tempted you are...)

If it's Wednesday, it must be...CAMEL TIME!

2011-06-01T07:34:00.000-04:00

Come on. You know you love it. You were probably just thinking, Gee, I sure hope Linda has camels on her blog on this fine Hump Day -- it wouldn't be Wednesday without camels from Linda!

Well, it's your lucky day, for I am NOT one to disappoint!

Today's camel:

Isn't he jolly? Doesn't he just look so...so...um, not debonair, precisely...

Damn. What is the word I'm looking for?

Oh, yeah. Dumb.

*sighs* Okay, that was kind of mean. If I've offended any camel lovers out there, I apologize. It's not the camel's fault somebody dressed him (her?) up. Honestly, no one should do that to such a dignified creature. It's almost as bad as this one:

But not quite.

Maybe. It's a tossup, really. I know! Let's take a vote. Which camel looks dumber? Camel #1 (in the hat and tassels) or Camel #2 (in the clown makeup)?

[I KNOW. This post is a dumber than the camels. But it's summer now, and I think that excuses a lot. Just go vote, and try not to over-think it. ]

Hot Dogs and Burgers and Reruns, Oh My!

2011-05-30T07:20:00.000-04:00

[I ran this post originally last Memorial Day. Since most of you probably haven't seen it, I thought it might be worth a repeat. Plus, I'm lazy, and didn't want to write a whole new one.]

Memorial Day! Bring on the burgers and hotdogs, the potato salad and cole slaw, the beer and wine and soda! Prepare to celebrate the Great American I-Am-Not-At-Work Day!

(Well, unless you're in retail. Or serving the public in a job that doesn't rest on holidays. If that's the case for you, let me say thank you for all you do. Also, sorry about that!)

And all of us, whether we're playing or working, should spare a passing thought or two for the members of our armed services, past and present, who made/make it possible for us to do whatever we do in safety and freedom.

Thank you, son-in-law. Your service in the Navy is important.

Thank you, DD, for your volunteer work with the Civil Air Patrol. That's important, too.

And a special thank you to family members now gone, like my father, who served honorably in Korea. And my husband's grandfather, Old Pap (you might remember him from this post), who got special permission to join the Army at age 40, when WWII broke out. He went in as an officer, and served throughout the campaign. As soon as the war was over, he wrote his own orders to get out, had his superior sign them (yes, pretty much nobody refused Old Pap what he wanted), and went back home to his wife and son.

His service staff loved him. Here's a gift they gave him shortly before he left:

It's a caricature of him. The certificate he's being handed by the bodiless arm says "Honorary Member...blah, blah, blah...I Hate Grimes Club." I'm fairly sure that part was ironic, because nobody could hate Old Pap. Or, if somebody did, surely they wouldn't be stupid enough to present him with a commemorative drawing stating the fact.

Anyway, we have it hanging in our upstairs hallway, a reminder of him that makes me smile every time I pass it. It's a virtual snapshot of a man in his prime, during the time of his life that defined him.

Old Pap was, well, old, by the time I met him. Old and infirm. He walked with a cane, breathed with difficulty due to his emphysema, and was sometimes hard to understand because he only had half a tongue (don't smoke!). But I am happy to edit my memory of him to include his earlier, stronger period, using, among other things, the caricature he was so proud of to overlay strength onto my mental image of the grandfather I came to love.

In a way, all our memories are caricatures of life. Our minds pick and choose what to highlight, exaggerating the bits and pieces that stand out to us for whatever reason, good or bad. No way could our brains store every little detail without our "hard drives" filling up too fast. And (sadly) it's not like we can go to the local big box store for an upgrade.

(Though wouldn't that be cool? I would SO do it!)

Maybe that's why I'm so fond of caricatures as an art form. Via a few deft strokes left by a speedy hand they reveal the essence of a person.

Here's another favorite of mine--our kiddos, when they truly were kiddos, at the beach one summer:

The artist really captured both of them. I look at this and see the children they were AND the adults they've become, somehow melded. It makes me smile, too.

Looking at these pictures got me thinking. I know writers are supposed to strive to make their characters more than "mere" caricatures. And I know what is meant by that--the people you create on paper should come across as real, three-dimensional individuals, not flat, cartoon-y renderings.

I get that.

But I think an exceptional writer, like an exceptional caricaturist, can achieve a kind of three-dimensionality of spirit--as I said earlier, the essence of a person--with a few well-placed lines. No need to always drag out the oils and go for the full Dutch Masters treatment.

Sometimes a subtle, well-executed "caricature" in print can set a character in the reader's mind more effectively than pages of description, no matter how deathless the prose. And isn't that the point? To write memorable characters? I'm not saying it's the only way, or even the best way. But it's a way. :)

Hmm. Something to consider, anyway. :)

Sometimes it just has to be done...

2011-05-27T06:53:00.000-04:00

(You do the math.)

Physical Hazards of Writing, aka OUCH!

2011-05-25T07:26:00.000-04:00

Since it's Hump Day again, let's talk about some of the physical humps a writer has to overcome.

There's Keister Spread, of course. Naturally, when a body part gets a good work out, it tends to grow. And one's keister IS pretty much in constant use while writing. This is one down side* to the rallying cry of writer's everywhere:

"Butt in chair, hands on keyboard!"

At least there's a cool T-shirt.

Alas, even the cool T-shirt cannot make up for the other down side: repetitive stress injury. I've been pounding the keyboard a bit much lately, and have started to feel the first twinges of the dreaded carpal tunnel syndrome.

I'd really like a magic cure, please. If anyone out there knows of one, I'd sure be happy to hear about it.

(And by magic, I mean something where I can still type as much as I want to, without having to jump through too many hoops, like standing on my head, or typing suspended from the ceiling, or, yannoh, giving up my precious laptop.)

Maybe some nice counter-repetitive-stress exercises? Are there such things?

Oh, and while we're talking magic, if you have any good ideas about how to avoid Keister Spread, I'm open to that, too. As long as it doesn't involve sweating a lot. Or giving up chocolate. Or those super-tight Spanx things. Or...

Look, it would just be easier all around if one you were a magician. Come on, let me hear an "Abracadabra!"

* The up side is, of course, eventually getting a book written. Which does tend to outweigh the down side.

It's that time again -- get out your verifictionaries!

2011-05-23T06:56:00.000-04:00

We haven't dragged out the verifictionary in a while, and my definitions are piling up. Figured I'd unload some of them today.

You remember the word verification dictionary, don't you? It's where we seek to define those odd strings of letters you have to copy into the verification boxes in order to leave a comment on some blogs.

Yeah, okay. Assigning them definitions is just a way to make an annoying waste of time a little more fun. You do what you can, right? I'm all about taking life's little lemons and making lemonade. Or, better yet, lemontinis.

Yum!

*ahem* Anyway, you can find previous verifictionary posts here and here.

Today's additions (all of which, I hasten to add, were taken from blogs I read regularly -- maybe even yours):

ALITATA -- Alibaba's sexy sister.

ARCHANGI -- the lesser known plural of "archangel."

BODINC -- add "@" and you have the Twitter handle of "Body, Incorporated."

COPLI -- in a policeman-like manner.

FLACH -- short for "flatulant," it's the nickname for the kid in class who passes gas a lot.

FLUMSI -- what you call someone who is both delicate and clumsy.

LAXOPEP -- a caffeinated laxative, designed to ensure you make it to the bathroom on time once it kicks in.

NONNESS -- the state of being the opposite.

PSINASTR-- pretentious spelling of "sinister."

PUNGLUT -- what happens when there's just too much wordplay going on.

SUNPRO -- someone who makes money by tanning.

So, in your blog-hopping, have you run across any interesting strings of letters that we can warp into new words? Do share!

Pssst...don't tell my husband, but...

2011-05-20T07:17:00.000-04:00

The other day TG had to go to NY on business.

And I have a horrible confession to make: while he was gone, I played around.

Yes, I did. I met a handsome, exciting guy and spent the evening with him. Sorry, I just couldn't help myself! There was a lot of hugging and kissing. Oh, the tingles! We went out to dinner together, and had a fabulous time -- thunder and lightning, baby. Thun-der and light-ning. Know what I'm sayin'? Whew! Barely got him out of here before TG was back.

You're shocked, aren't you? Didn't think I had it in me, did you? But I swear...

Everything I just told you is absolutely true.

*cough* But only in the following context:

I played around...on my computer. Solitaire, mostly, but also a little Mahjong.

I did meet a handsome, exciting guy. At the airport. Of course, he happens to be my son-in-law, the Navy pilot. He had a six-hour layover here, and I live close to the airport, so I picked him up. Hugged him, and kissed his cheek, as I always do. We went out to dinner -- with his parents. Lots more hugging and kissing when we met up with them.

The tingles? Took him back to the airport in the middle of a thunderstorm. Pretty terrifying.

Unfortunately, TG didn't make it back home before our son-in-law had to leave.

Uh-HUH. Sounds a bit more innocent now, doesn't? Aren't you ashamed of what you were thinking about me? As if...!

So...

Be wary of the truth, my dear,

For, like a sieve, it's leaky.

Even if you know the facts,

Remember -- facts are sneaky.

(As are writers.)

Philosophical question for you: Is there a difference between "truth" and "honesty"?

I (obviously) think so. I can deceive you nine ways to Sunday without ever telling you a lie.

[Aside to TG: But not you, honey! *blink*]

And, as a writer, I try to communicate some basic truths about the human condition by making up a bunch of ridiculous crap.

How about you? Do you ever fudge on the facts? Come on now...be honest! ;)

HUMPS. THEY'RE NOT ALWAYS AS FUN AS THEY SOUND.

2011-05-18T08:02:00.000-04:00

Caution: Humps in the road ahead.

If there's one thing you can be sure of in the writing biz, it's that there will be humps to get over.

Now, I'm not one to knock humps. Humps can be all kinds of fun, depending. Sure, they might make you sweat, but they can be energizing! (<--Obligatory Grimes double entendre.) Of course, it helps if you know ahead of time that they're not insurMOUNTable. (Oops. I did it again...)

But, seriously, folks (no, really -- seriously, I mean it...hey, stop laughing!), you can get beyond the humps. A few suggestions, if I may be so bold...

Hump: FINISHING YOUR DAMN BOOK.

It's amazing how many people never get over this one. They have a great idea. They start it. And then they...peter out. Whether they just stall, or are lured away by a Shiny New Idea (which they work on only until the next SNI winks at them from across the room*), they don't complete the task at hand. Bookus Interuptus. It's a sad thing**.

Solution: Come on, isn't it obvious? Finish your damn book!

Hump: FINDING AN AGENT.

Looking for the perfect agent is easier than ever, thanks to the internet. Resources abound: Twitter, Facebook, sites like agentquery.com -- they can provide a wealth of information to you, the discerning ~~agent stalker~~ writer, enabling you to locate your dream agent. Unfortunately, it also means it's easier for thousands of other ~~stalkers~~ writers in the same position to look too, so the Competition Sub-Hump is a bigger hazard than ever at this stage.

Solution: Polish that query until it shines! (After making sure your Damn Book is finished -- and equally shiny -- of course.)

Hump: SELLING THE BOOK.

This is where your agent comes in to help with the heavy lifting. But it's still teamwork. You may be asked to revise, and even re-revise. Your book may be rejected outright by editors, or an editor may fall in love with it and still not be able to get it past the editorial board. This may happen several times, until you feel like you're on one of those rumble strips instead of just going over a speed bump.

Solution: Hang on tight, and occupy yourself with writing the next book.

Hump: WRITING THE NEXT BOOK.

And (wait for it...) finishing it.

Solution: Um, yeah. Just do it...blah-blah-blah. Do it whether your first book sells or not.

Hump: SELLING THAT ONE.

You're catching onto my point, right? The humps never end. But the feeling of accomplishment when you get over one starts to get addictive.

Either that, or writers are basically masochistic creatures. I haven't quite decided which yet.

Are you a writer? What's the last hump you got over?

*SNIs can be treacherous sirens, enticing you away from your WIP with the promise of easy writing ahead, when really they just want to laugh as you are buffeted against the rocky shoals of chapter 17, or wherever the heck you are when it occurs to you that finishing This Damn Book isn't going to be any easier than finishing The Last Damn Book. You're just going to have to plug your ears and learn to swim through the seaweed.

**Except when it's not. There are always exceptions, and sometimes giving up on a WIP is the right thing to do. You may reach a point where you realize you won't ever have enough creative hot air (er, so to speak) to inflate that book all the way. Then it may be a good thing to check out one of your SNIs. But if you catch yourself doing this a lot, beware. You could become a Serial Book Starter, and that's not just a hump. It's a mountain.

SEEKING THRILLS BETWEEN THE SHEETS...

2011-05-16T07:10:00.000-04:00

...of paper. The pages in books, that is.

Ha-ha! Made you look. (Tee-hee.) I KNOW. What a cop out. But still...*giggles* Okay, Juvenile Moment over.

Now comes the...

HORRIBLE CONFESSION:

In real life, I am not much of a thrill-seeker. I am, in fact, a kind of a wimp. Driving more than ten miles an hour over the speed limit makes me nervous. Getting on an airplane requires a major pep talk (and maybe an alcoholic beverage or three). Roller coasters, in my esteemed opinion, are the invention of the devil. Crowds, with their unstable hive mind, horrify me.

Which is why I seek my thrills on the written page, either reading or writing. When it comes to the written word, I am FEARLESS!

Car chases, jet planes, kidnappings, restive throngs of iffy people? I am there.

Roller coasters? Pffft. Child's play.

Skydiving, bungee-jumping, cliff-scaling? I'm your gal.

I know, I know. Here you've become used to thinking of me as a Total Badass, and now I've disillusioned you. Sorry. But I haven't really been dishonest with you. I AM a total badass...vicariously.

And really, for a writer, isn't it all about vicariousness? (Vicariosity? Vicaritude?)

How about you -- real life badass, or only adventurous beneath the covers?*

Or maybe both, like my fellow author in the blogoverse, Dianne Salerni, who does things like step off platforms into thin air with a mere wire between her and a terrifying plunge to earth?

*You know I'm referring to books, but you're welcome to expound upon your boudoir-linen adventures if you prefer. Just don't say anything that will get me banned from Blogger. ;)

Eat, Drink, and Be Wary!

2011-05-13T15:11:00.000-04:00

One final post for "Representative Images Week" here on the blog, wherein I am teasing you with pictures that have something to do with my book, IN A FIX. Not always precisely as depicted here, mind you. Remember, these pictures are representative.

In Monday's post, we found out my protag, Ciel Halligan, really gets around. Wednesday's post showed us some of the ways she does it. Today we'll get a preview of what she drinks and eats along the way. (Hey, a girl needs a little sustenance!)

CIEL'S SIPS:

CIEL'S NIBBLES:

Wow. That looks like Ciel must be eating and/or drinking ALL the time. Trust me, she's not. There IS actually a plot sandwiched *cough* in there somewhere.

What are your favorite foods? Drinks? If you're a writer, do you ever have your characters eat or drink anything you can't personally stand?

It's not so much where you go as HOW you get there...

2011-05-11T08:17:00.000-04:00

In the spirit of what I've now decided is "Representative Images Week" on the blog (why, yes, as a matter fact, it IS a busy week here at Chez Grimez -- how did you guess?), here are a few more from IN A FIX, which will be published by Tor in July 2012.

(Yeah, I know. That sounds like a long way off. Why am I teasing you now? Um...because? And, you know. Busy. Sorry.)

Monday I showed you some of the places you'll visit along with our intrepid heroine, Ciel Halligan. Today I'll share some of her conveyances:

As I said on Monday, Ciel gets around. Sometimes she does it in style. Sometimes...not so much. ;)

What's the weirdest way you've ever been conveyed from one place to another?

Oh, the places you'll go...if you read my book someday!

2011-05-09T09:17:00.000-04:00

Since yesterday was Mother's Day, and I'm a mother, I relaxed and played with my toys. Ate good food prepared by people who are not me.

(Huh. I guess the "prepared by people who are not me" part is kind of implied by the word "good." Please excuse the redundancy. I'm a writer -- I should know better.)

I also imbibed a bit. Generally enjoyed the day. But instead of blathering on about Mother's Day, I thought I'd share some of the places Ciel Halligan, the main character in my light urban fantasy, IN A FIX, finds herself in the course of trying to get herself out of said fix.

(Trust me, these are a lot more interesting than pictures of me sitting on the sofa, eating my Mother's Day chocolate and watching Netflix movies via my new Roku streaming player, and reading my new books -- purchased guilt-free with a gift card! -- on my eReader, while wearing my lovely new earrings. Thank you, kiddos and TG! I love you all, and not just because of your impeccable taste in gifts.)

SOME PLACES CIEL VISITS:

Now, those aren't the exact places, of course, or all the places. Let's call them representative images. I could tell you more about each of them, but not without spoilers, so I won't.

Suffice it to say, Ciel gets around. ;)

Oh, yeah...question time. Hmm...

So, um, do you like to travel? Do you generally go exotic places of your volition, or are you kidnapped by modern-day Vikings while trying to rescue a client, and hauled halfway around the world?

Alternatively:

How about those [insert sports team of your choice]? Aren't they [something/the bomb/craptacular]?

LIFE LESSON FROM A LITTLE GREEN DUDE MADE OF CLAY

2011-05-06T08:59:00.000-04:00

A short, simple thought for a busy Friday:

Flexibility.

It's important.

If you can't manage the physical kind*, at least strive for the mental kind. It will make your life easier, not to mention a lot more pleasant for those around you.

Mental suppleness is essential in a storyteller. For the rigid, a trip down the Great What-If Path is pretty monotonous. Loosen up, and the scenery gets infinitely more fascinating.

Which is why I've adopted what DD tells me is the unofficial motto of the Navy:

Semper Gumby!

That translates loosely as "Always Flexible!" (Because, you know, Gumby was the most flexible little dude ever.) A necessary quality when you're in the service, and can be whipped around the world at a moment's notice. But I find it also holds me in good stead whenever I sit down in front of the keyboard and try to create a story out of the chaos between my ears.

*For instance -- and I know this will be difficult for you to believe, but trust me, it's true -- that is not me in the picture above. Not that I couldn't get into that position if I wanted to. I could. But it would require a trip to the emergency room to get me back out of it.

Oops. Almost forgot the obligatory ending question that (who are we kidding?) is meant to inspire comments, so we don't feel like we're talking to an empty room:

Are you as flexible as you'd like to be?

Or, alternately, if that question is too personal:

Did you watch Gumby as a child? (If that's too personal, I respectfully suggest you, um, Gumby up a little.)

"I can't believe it's not boobies!"

2011-05-04T06:52:00.001-04:00

WARNING: The final photo in this post may not be safe for work. Though, technically, there's no reason why it shouldn't be.

The fam and I were goofing around, as is our wont whenever we happen to be in the same spot for the evening, when TG remembered a little trick he learned from a classmate in the third grade. He offered to demonstrate.

Ever on the lookout for *cough* enlightening blog fodder, I pounced.

DD played photog, and documented it. She's also responsible for the title (or should that be "tittle"?) of this post, so you can blame her for that. Though I came up with "tittle," which is probably just as bad. It's so heartwarming when you realize your children are following in your footsteps. *happy sigh*

Okay, so HERE is how we entertain ourselves at Chez Grimez on a slow evening. Allow me to apologize in advance.

WHY BUTTER IS BETTER

Gather the Essential Supplies:

Disassemble the butter box:

"Meditate" until you are in the proper artistic frame of mind:

With an exacto knife, make a flap where the Indian maiden is holding up her butter box:

Tape the other side of the box behind the side you just cut so that the Indian maiden's knees are centered under the flap:

Lift the flap and see your surprise!

TG tells me he was eight years old when his pal enlightened him about the Secret of the Land O Lakes Indian Maiden. See what lengths boys were driven to before there was easy access to naughty pictures on the internet?

(On a side note, see what lengths I am driven to when I don't have an idea for a blog post?)

What's the silliest "naughty" thing you ever did as a kid? Or, heck, as an adult? Inquiring minds want to know.

**Updated to Add**

Just found a comment on this post in my spam filter. Anonymous said:

"Thanks for taking the time to debate this, I feel strongly about it and love learning extra on this topic. If doable, as you acquire expertise, would you mind updating your blog with further information? It is extremely useful for me."

Sorry, but I had to share that. It had me laughing until I about hyperventilated. Sure am glad s/he found the info "useful"!

The Winner! Plus a few mentions, honorable and dishonorable.

2011-05-02T08:20:00.000-04:00

The big day is here! The winner of the Name that Blog Baby Contest has been announced over on Sierra Godfrey's blog!!

Honestly, I LOVED all of the suggesions. It was really tough to decide. But after a brief consultation with the mama (what? it's her kid and her blog -- I figured she deserved a small say in the matter), it has been decided.

Congratulations, @nwfoodie (aka Sharon Axline)! Your suggestion of "Rainbow Puppy" is the obvious choice. Because, I mean, rainbows? And puppies? PERFECT!

(I assure you all, the fact that I decorated Sierra's blog with rainbow puppies did not *cough* unduly influence my decision.)

As promised, Sharon's (goofy and basically worthless) SUR-PRIZE: a slightly used copy of Bob Marley and the Wailers LIVE! at the Rainbow DVD.

(Get it? Rainbow? Wailers, like babies are? There's a tie-in there. Work with me, people.) Also, a bar of fancy chocolate, not used at all.

Honorable Mentions:

Most Appropriate -- "Fin" (as in "finished," because Sierra assures us little Rainbow Puppy will be the last of her progeny), suggested by Roni Loren.

Most INappropriate -- "The Penis," suggested by Tawna Fenske. Is anyone surprised?

Roni and Tawna will also receive a bar of fancy, unused chocolate.

Ladies, if you will email me you addresses, I will put your prizes in the mail ~~right away~~...er, ~~soon~~...um, sometime this week.

Thanks again to everyone who participated! It was fun. :)

Food, glorious FOOD!

2011-04-29T08:29:00.000-04:00

I was about to start writing this blog post Thursday evening when it occurred to me I really wanted Thai food for dinner. Coincidentally, so did TG, DD, and Son.

Okay, not so coincidentally. We all love Thai food.

Then I got to thinking about food, which can be fun. Even though I don't like cooking it, I do like eating it. And writing about it. In fact, I have to watch myself to make sure I don't have my MC eating something every other scene.

"Self," I say, "Ciel can not eat all the time. Sometimes she has to drink adult beverages. Or kiss hot guys. Or get kidnapped by Vikings."

And then I think, bring on the pastry!

Okay, yeah. It's a struggle.

To the writers among you, how much does food figure in what you write? Not at all? Peripherally? Or do you describe it in loving detail?

To the non-writers, do you enjoy fiction with food-related scenes?

On a sidenote (since I'm nosy), do you snack while you read? What's your favorite reading snack?

And since I'm rambling here, back to the writers -- do you snack while you write? What's your favorite writing snack?

When I read, I love a good piece of chocolate. And then something salty, like popcorn or chips, to balance out the sweetness. Oh, and then I feel guilty about the junk and nibble on baby carrots or crispy sugar snap peas. After which I feel virtuous enough to go back to the chocolate...

Yeah, it's kind of a vicious cycle.

When I write, I usually just sip on hot, strong tea between brilliant flashes of genius. (Ha! You buyin' this? Sometimes I crack myself up.)

If I'm revising, I might toss in my favorite "Revision Skittles" (Skittles Crazy Cores), an idea I got from Tiffany Schmidt (one of my fabulous crit partners). Tiffany has ~~had her life overrun by~~ been a tad busy with her twin baby boys these days, and yet she still manages to find time to write. I am in awe of her mad concentration skillz. If she swears by Revision Skittles, who am I to argue?

Oh, man. Now I'm hungry...